Relationships are Difficult

Relationships ARE difficult. For some that may be a great understatement, and for others, simply the truth. But for everyone, I do believe the concept of trying to spend your life with another person is not a very easy task. Everyone you talk to, involved or single, has relationships issues; whether the single person can't find anyone or the person involved isn't with the person they're with at that very moment. But I think the simplicity of this statement is the hardest to grasp; YOUR relationship is YOUR relationship. You aren't in a relationship with "men", "women", or "everyone", you're in a relationship with the person you chose to take that journey with. With that said, you can't treat your relationship like an owner's manual. There's not "Congratulations, welcome to YOUR relationship" that begins any book that will give you answers based on chapters and prior experiences. What we all have to realize is that if we want something positive to come out of our experiences with others, we have to put something positive into that relationship. To simplify even further, think about it as a piggy bank; you put your loose change into your piggy bank only to save up and use that money later. But if you never drop any loose change in, you can never get any change out. (Initially, I thought that would be a horrible example, but it turned out to be a great one.)


I think titles really put a strain on any natural chemistry two people may have with one another. Though, I do understand their purpose. I know people who've been hurt by thinking they had something special with someone only to be heartbroken and betrayed by someone claiming that they weren't "official." It's incidences like that, that makes it hard for people who legitimately desire to make another person happy. If I present the idea of not giving a title to a lady, they'll assume I'm just trying to play them. While I'm not with them, I'm probably with some other girl telling her the exact same thing. And in the end, I can't be held accountable for my actions because it was a mutual agreement not to give each other titles. That's just not the case! I, personally, think title do more harm than good because they give a person a "status." A status is a condition, position, a state of being, and most most unfortunately, a default. Think about someone pledging for a fraternity or a sorority; once they go through all they have to go through to become a member of that organization, they never have to do those same things to remain a member of that organization. Once they've pledged and passed, they are now who they are and receive all the acclaim of the organization. Relationships aren't like that. You can't give your all trying to get with someone then stop once you've crossed that line from friend to more-than-friend. If someone gives me the title of "boyfriend" I can't stop courting (that means dating in old-people language) her, treating her sweet, saying and doing nice things. I can't rest on my reputation when dealing with a woman. My job is a never ending one. The same goes for whomever engages in a relationship with a man.


Ladies, what I need you to understand is that it is NOT okay to treat your man like you're doing him a favor by being with him! As I look at my generation and the one coming after of us, I don't find a lot of hope in the ladies I'm supposed to seek out for companionship. With so much bitterness, hardness, and stereotyping, its harder than ever to make a relationship work. With so many external forces such as haters, long-distance, life experience, etc. out there attempting to pull you apart, why can't we find some safe haven internally? I mean, what else are you in the relationship for other than to be there for one another? Seems to me that anything else is a waste of time. Ladies, I'm just asking you to just step back for a second, think about what he's saying, and see if it genuinely makes sense. Look at yourselves and see if there's anyway to make that man's job any easier. Sometimes, and I do mean sometimes, we are right. We do legitimately love and care for you, but sometimes the biggest struggle comes from the very person we're trying to help.


Fellas, because of what a few of us have done in the past, it is very difficult to find a woman willing to take the chance. See, the fellas I'm talking to, I know can use this information because I try not to associate with the "other" type of fellas that are completely opposite. On this day, we're considered soft because women have gotten so hard, and the situation is all bad. They won't let their guard down and our feeling are crushed from the pressure. It could very soon become a never-ending cycle; women turn us down, we stop trying; we revert back to the ways of the "niggas" before us, then women get their feelings hurt; only to harden their hearts once again. What we need to do is show them the best in us. We can't make them look, but we can make it hard not to notice. When they see that their attitudes don't turn us away, when their words are met with understanding, when their yells and screams are met with a calm and response, they will see that what the expect and what they've experienced won't be replayed here. I'll show you that I'm special, because talk is cheap; everyone can afford it.


Finally, you have to make your relationship YOUR relationship. You can't assume that because you have the title that you've done all you need to do to win the fight. Basically, no book is going to tell you how your relationship will be; your friends can't tell you and your parents can't help you. You have to gain an understanding of who this person is you're with, take into account all that they have to offer, and counter with figuring out if you can provide what it is their asking for. Don't be too proud and say "I'm not changing for nobody!" If someone is willing to give up some of their self for your happiness, then you need to show your appreciation with willingness to do the same. If done right, you won't notice anything being given up at all, because their happiness will become a part of your own personality. It's a beautiful thing when through the coarse of your daily routine, without thinking, you've made someone else happy. Making them happy become a part of your job description, where you're payment is greater than any paycheck, stock option, or advancement opportunity. By the same token, with what I said earlier, don't let that title make you feel entitled to these luxuries. You can't demand someone to love you without giving them a reason to. You can't make someone care about your feelings when there's no reason to. Relationships are reciprocal. At least that's how they start. They grow and they evolve and soon it becomes hard to hard to remember what life was before that person became a part of you. But don't let the title go to your head, don't expect the worst merely because you've seen it before, no one can tell you how your relationship should be other than you and the person you share it with, and above all else, love is an action word.


I'm not relationship expert, I'm no counselor, and the view and opinion expressed here today may not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of the shared community. I may not even be someone who knows exactly what he wants, but I can for certain say what I don't want. I would just hope that anything I've said can help, shed some light, or at least make some sense. I believe that it may all help a little bit in your relationship endeavors and your plans to make things better. I know I need help every now and then, so maybe I'm not alone in that. Until next time, I wish you luck with you and yours.