A Hero Complex

So, let me set the scene for you:
It's raining, yet the heat inside this confined space at work is driving me crazy. There is no type of circulation here, it's my first day back, and it seems as though all the procedures have changed. I sit here, alone, with these people's lives in my hand and not really sure what to do at the moment. If another bug flies pass me, I'm either going to kill it, or break something trying. All and all, I would say I'm proud to here. As tired as I am, I finally feel like I'm doing something with the opportunity given to me. The reason for the good feeling in the midst of all this dreary dull-ness going on, is because of an attribute that has really taken it's toll on me lately. I think about my life, but I also think about others' lives in relation to mine. For everyone who has helped me, for everyone who has sacrificed something for me to get where I am, I owe you. I owe you more than you probably realize because I take it upon myself to make sure that if you invest in me, you will marvel at your return. I think about that at least once everyday. I feel it is my duty to put to use the time and effort that my family and friends have put in to me, and multiply it. I mean, could you imagine how selfish someone would be if they never gave anything back to those that believed in them? Not only backing them financially, but spiritually and prayerfully. I let too many people down if I don't succeed. If I don't deliver on my promises I couldn't bare to see the looks on the faces of my loved ones. And for that reason, I sit here; hot, bothered, and tired. I go to class in the mornings even though it's hard for me to sleep at night. I work this job even though it's hard enough to pay attention to my studies. But I don't want anyone to think that I am complaining. I strongly believe that to whom much is given, much is tested. I've gone through a lot of things in my life, despite my young age, but I feel that it's all for my good. Every time I talk to my family and we're going through something, someone reminds us that all this means is that something better is on the way. They say it in church, it has to be true, right?


With that said, I've taken on a new attitude. I look at things differently than I once did. I realize now that this degree isn't for me, it's for me to provide a service for those in need. Writing this book isn't for my benefit, it's for your enjoyment, and possibly your help. My reward will come, but in the meantime, I'm ever getting prepared for it. What that means is, if I suddenly came into riches tomorrow, I may not necessarily know what to do with all of it. But if I see the bottom, if I get a little hungry, if I feel bad for a few people, if have to cry, if I have to see a few other people cry, then get that money next week, now I know what is possible. So, even when I go to the store, I look around for things that I think other people would like, or that other people deserved. I've said all summer that if I didn't get a job, I wouldn't be mad, but if my nephew got one, then I'd be happy. And he did, so I was fine. I needed a job, but blessfully (my new word) I had a support system that was able to help me when I couldn't help myself. And I hope that I have let them know just how much I appreciate it.


The problem with all of that,if any, is the pressure of it all. The mounting pressure of not feeling like I've done all that I'm supposed to do. Not being where I am supposed to be. I'm reminded just how young I am, and my position in life, but I feel like I should be further along. Picture being in a traffic jam, you know where you want to go, you may even know how to get there, but there is a car ahead of you, one on the side, and no way to pass. You just have to go with the flow, no matter how slow it is. That's how I feel. I'm impatient, been that way all my life, and I drive fast. I feel like I need to get where I have to go because time is precious, whether you understand the concept of it or not. I don't want to see my mom go to work because she HAS to for hours on end. I don't want my dad on a fixed income where he has to sacrifice and unable to fully enjoy the fruits of his labor. I don't want my sisters working for the rest of their lives, I want my nieces and nephews to pursue their education without worrying about how to pay for it. I want to start a family, and I don't want them missing out on smiles or laughs because they're worried about the lights being cut off. I want food on the table, I want houses with more than enough room, I want vehicles taken care of, and healthcare to make our lives as long and prosperous as possible. Now, I'm not saying I can guarantee all of that, and I'm not saying I didn't have all of that, but what I'm saying is that if there is a way for me to make that happen, then I want to do it. That is what keeps me up at night, that is what keeps me here, that is what keeps me from quitting, and that is what inspires me to do better. I only pray that understanding is involved, and God is with me every step of the way.

Until next time my people, don't be a failure . . . I won't let you if I can prevent it.

The Gentleman Update (8/2/2009)

Hello there everyone. Yet again, I must come to you with an update since I haven't really had much to say lately. Again, I apologize. But like I said, I feel it's better for me to talk with you about something meaningful opposed to talking for the sake of hearing myself talk. And with that said, it's hard to find intriguing topics to hit on with nothing much really going on. You know how it is, writer's block, boredom, and lack of material. With that said, I'll start with the updates from the Gentleman.


In regards to the book, in my own fault, it's been partially put on the backburner. Meaning, I haven't given it all the thought and time as I should. I've even stopped reading to gain a greater understanding on the art of literature. Really, I think that's more of my growth. The last book I picked up, I couldn't finish because I pretty much knew where it was going. In the author's (Steve Harvey) defense, his trade is not that of an author or a writer. I haven't put forth much effort to find more stimulating reads either, and that needs to change if I'm serious about writing this novel. I don't want to be that guy who's always talking about what he's going to do or what he should do. I am proud of myself, however, because I've come up with a premise, and started working on one specific part of it also. I've decided to begin writing down each idea I have for plots, dialogue, settings and situations. I should have been doing that the whole time, but if we don't learn from our mistakes, we don't understand the concept of intelligence.


The last and only entry I posted was about a letter written to BET by an (alleged) 15 year old girl about the network's choice of programming. I felt almost obligated to read and comprehend the message she wanted to get across because very rarely does anyone take a stand and say what everyone is thinking. I believe that many of us has, at some point or another, took a long look at what BET had to offer and didn't feel empowered or proud. I stopped watching once it was sold to Viacom because at that point the network for / by Black people was now run by white people. Not saying I have a problem with white people running the company, I have a problem with the network that represents the view, opinions, and lifestyles of Black people somehow being developed by white people. Let me slow down for one second, and explain a few things. If we can have a network called Black Entertainment Television, then it is only fair to have a network called White Entertainment Television, Chinese Entertainment Television, Mexican Entertainment Television and so forth. So personally, I felt having that channel was asking for trouble. But then, it went in a completely different direction. It showed black people in a way that came only second to VH1. I mean, the most positive shows were canceled on behalf of more rap music, celebrity gossip, music videos with no real point, music with no substance, and reality shows with no purpose. I'll admit, I enjoyed BET Uncut. The show and its videos had a purpose and a timeslot to accommodate it. Now we have Tiny&Toya, Wendy Williams, Keyshia Cole's family and many more that paints a picture of a black community that may not be true. From the award shows with no class, to the variety shows that were taken off the air for a reason, and countdown shows with the most ghetto of influences as it's guests, I feel like BET could have done better if it were to be so bold as to call itself BLACK Entertainment Television.


As of late, I've been dealing with some minor issues. It has been harder to clear my head or focus on just one thing. On top of that, I've been having fun in what's been going on with my church. Mostly the youth church, but the church nonetheless. They've put on carnivals, they mime, they dance, they sing, they play basketball and they really have a lot to say if you just listen to them. Some of the smart kids you've ever been around and I'm proud to say that's where I've come from. Couldn't make it to the skating party with them since I'm sore from balling all over them at the picnic. But don't let me gas you on, them little punks can work a nerve. Like all humans, they can be fake, have attitudes, and just generally upset the whole mood of the environment. But, I wouldn't trade them for any other brats. I would name them all if I thought for a second the little punks would appreciate it. lol! So, until next time people, which is hopefully sooner than later, don't be a failure: don't watch BET and go to church!