A Hero Complex

So, let me set the scene for you:
It's raining, yet the heat inside this confined space at work is driving me crazy. There is no type of circulation here, it's my first day back, and it seems as though all the procedures have changed. I sit here, alone, with these people's lives in my hand and not really sure what to do at the moment. If another bug flies pass me, I'm either going to kill it, or break something trying. All and all, I would say I'm proud to here. As tired as I am, I finally feel like I'm doing something with the opportunity given to me. The reason for the good feeling in the midst of all this dreary dull-ness going on, is because of an attribute that has really taken it's toll on me lately. I think about my life, but I also think about others' lives in relation to mine. For everyone who has helped me, for everyone who has sacrificed something for me to get where I am, I owe you. I owe you more than you probably realize because I take it upon myself to make sure that if you invest in me, you will marvel at your return. I think about that at least once everyday. I feel it is my duty to put to use the time and effort that my family and friends have put in to me, and multiply it. I mean, could you imagine how selfish someone would be if they never gave anything back to those that believed in them? Not only backing them financially, but spiritually and prayerfully. I let too many people down if I don't succeed. If I don't deliver on my promises I couldn't bare to see the looks on the faces of my loved ones. And for that reason, I sit here; hot, bothered, and tired. I go to class in the mornings even though it's hard for me to sleep at night. I work this job even though it's hard enough to pay attention to my studies. But I don't want anyone to think that I am complaining. I strongly believe that to whom much is given, much is tested. I've gone through a lot of things in my life, despite my young age, but I feel that it's all for my good. Every time I talk to my family and we're going through something, someone reminds us that all this means is that something better is on the way. They say it in church, it has to be true, right?


With that said, I've taken on a new attitude. I look at things differently than I once did. I realize now that this degree isn't for me, it's for me to provide a service for those in need. Writing this book isn't for my benefit, it's for your enjoyment, and possibly your help. My reward will come, but in the meantime, I'm ever getting prepared for it. What that means is, if I suddenly came into riches tomorrow, I may not necessarily know what to do with all of it. But if I see the bottom, if I get a little hungry, if I feel bad for a few people, if have to cry, if I have to see a few other people cry, then get that money next week, now I know what is possible. So, even when I go to the store, I look around for things that I think other people would like, or that other people deserved. I've said all summer that if I didn't get a job, I wouldn't be mad, but if my nephew got one, then I'd be happy. And he did, so I was fine. I needed a job, but blessfully (my new word) I had a support system that was able to help me when I couldn't help myself. And I hope that I have let them know just how much I appreciate it.


The problem with all of that,if any, is the pressure of it all. The mounting pressure of not feeling like I've done all that I'm supposed to do. Not being where I am supposed to be. I'm reminded just how young I am, and my position in life, but I feel like I should be further along. Picture being in a traffic jam, you know where you want to go, you may even know how to get there, but there is a car ahead of you, one on the side, and no way to pass. You just have to go with the flow, no matter how slow it is. That's how I feel. I'm impatient, been that way all my life, and I drive fast. I feel like I need to get where I have to go because time is precious, whether you understand the concept of it or not. I don't want to see my mom go to work because she HAS to for hours on end. I don't want my dad on a fixed income where he has to sacrifice and unable to fully enjoy the fruits of his labor. I don't want my sisters working for the rest of their lives, I want my nieces and nephews to pursue their education without worrying about how to pay for it. I want to start a family, and I don't want them missing out on smiles or laughs because they're worried about the lights being cut off. I want food on the table, I want houses with more than enough room, I want vehicles taken care of, and healthcare to make our lives as long and prosperous as possible. Now, I'm not saying I can guarantee all of that, and I'm not saying I didn't have all of that, but what I'm saying is that if there is a way for me to make that happen, then I want to do it. That is what keeps me up at night, that is what keeps me here, that is what keeps me from quitting, and that is what inspires me to do better. I only pray that understanding is involved, and God is with me every step of the way.

Until next time my people, don't be a failure . . . I won't let you if I can prevent it.