Faithful is Our God

I think I've realized something important over this weekend, and I've decided to share it with the people who pay me some attention. I was thinking about college, and how I feel about it, and how it probably feels about me. But in the midst of my usual rant about the experience, I started thinking about my appreciation (or lack thereof) and treatment of the situation. Every obstacle that I've come across at this institution is partially my own fault. Now, when I thought about that, it made me a little mad, but then I thought about the way I had handled every obstacle that came my way. See, what I did was, I internalized it, made it personal, and gave my anger back to the world from whence it came. Now, the problem with that was, none of what happened to me was personal, or even COMPLETELY my fault. College was and is supposed to be one of the best, most exciting times of my life, and I just let it steal from me something that it had no right to take. And that, my friends, was my fault. Like, university was university before it ever met me. At no point have they ever shown any favoritism to someone in my position. To them, I am simply my ID number, and a check in the mail. That's fine. College is a business, and it always has been. However, I felt like everything that happened to me here was personal; a sign that not only do I not belong here, but I should leave as soon as possible, because I'm also not wanted here. I let that thought marinate in my mind for four long years, and just now I understood what was going on ...

I look at things the wrong way sometimes. In my quest to understand it all, I dig in to the depths of a lot of things, trying to see it from all angles, with all the hope in the world of seeing where this all comes from. Often times, in my over-analysis, I may come across an answer, several answers, and pick the one that makes the most sense to me. In making the most sense to me, it may not necessarily be the right one. Like, I used to think that things happened to me because of the person that I am. Maybe I wronged someone, the thoughts or things I do lead to nothing good coming my way. Not saying I'm a bad person, but sometimes you go to church and you see how well everyone inside is doing and you feel like maybe you don't worship enough, or maybe you aren't religious enough, or you don't love strong enough. But I don't believe any of that applies to me. If anything, I think that in certain circumstances I do all of this more than a lot of people inside the church, with greater application of some of the concepts taught inside the church.

Anyway, I used to think that when troubles would arise in my life, it was either a sign I was going the wrong way, doing the wrong things, or my prayers just weren't being answered. Like now, sometimes I just feel like I don't have any help in my situations, and I can't keep a fake smile up under the laws of gravity. But, today I thought about it from a different point of view: Maybe, just maybe, it's actually HARDER to handle the good things in life, than it is to handle all the negative things. Think about it: You pray for a house, a car, money, or anything ... it is way more difficult to maintain those things than it is for some maliciousness to befall upon them. Just like its way easier to get a cold, than it is to get rid of it. Getting the cold being negative, getting rid of it being positive. I applied that to my trials and tribulations: I can go through a number of different things at once, but when I get those good things, am I strong enough to handle them as well as I've handled the bad things? I envision God saying something like, "My son, I have nothing planned for you that would involve ill-will or malice against you, however, you are only human. I hear your cries, but don't forget, you are made in my image, and all that you need to overcome these odds is already with you. I would have thought you understood that by now." Of course, I'm paraphrasing, but I'm sure you get the idea. I don't think God isn't listening, I think God is watching. Like a parent of a child who has fallen and scrapped his knee, God wants to see if I can get up on my own, and later, He'll kiss it and make it all better. It's not that I can't do anything, it's that I'm not doing it. I'm sure the blessing in store for me are already there, waiting for me to claim them, but I'm not using the lessons I've already learned good enough yet to show that I'm able to receive AND maintain them as necessary.

Hope I didn't lose you there, but I feel like I'm thinking it faster than I can type it. So, as this applies to school, I allowed the situations I experienced to overshadow the bigger picture of what college is supposed to be. College is life experience, its a stepping stone to something greater, and whether good or bad, applying myself with the fullness of my abilities will be rewarded. I think God helps those who help themselves, but I'll have to double-check on that for you. If I had it to do again, I'd simply go on enjoying myself, learning, and experiencing the important life lessons that come along with the journey. My brother told me a while ago that being the kind of person I am, none of what goes on can possibly be my fault. It's only a test to see if I'm ready for whatever's better for me. I really appreciate him saying that, because now I can keep doing what I know is right.