It's late, and I don't really feel like goin' to bed right now. I just got off from work and read part of a chapter in my psychology book, so not all my time was wasted. I haven't been feelin' too good lately. Physically I'm fine, I'm just troubled by a lot. I figured I need to get it out because it was torture not havin' anyone to talk with. If you recall from last year, I had some troubles with payin' tuition and disenrollment, and just a bunch of mess from the loand company and the school. Well, it seems like some situations don't go away just because they're resolved (go figure). Today I had to go find out why I wasn't receiving a pay check for the work I had been puttin' in. They told me, that because I hadn't paid my tuition (which I have an extension date on) I am not a registered student and therefore my checks are inactive until they have they're money. Isn't it funny how not only is it a privilege for me to go to school here, but it is also a privilege for me to work here. Anyway, somehow or another (no one I talked to seems to know) I owe the school some back money from Fall semester. The same Fall semester I went through hell to pay for a few months back. Things just always seem to have bad timing for me. I don't know why. Today my father sent me all my mail from home. I get a letter from the loan company saying my application for a loan has been rejected. I don't even know which loan application they're referring to. It's just the symbolism of seeing that, and talking with the nice (sarcasm) people at the administration building. Oh, let's not forget that of course my phone bill is due. I hate T-Mobile. I like they're phones, but hate how they operate. My bill would be due on the in between weeks of me gettin' paid. But, that's probably somehow my fault too. The point of all this is to say that I've had a bad day. This day seems to be the boiling point of everything that I've been thinking about lately.
I'm really confused. Anyone who knows me and anyone in general understands how irritating it is to be constantly confused. Mostly about my faith and things of that nature (ain't it funny how every time we go through something, our faith is questioned?). Like, the hardest part for me is wondering if God, is listening to me of not. I'm not his best child (no matter how I mush I say I am), and I'm not the most religious fanatic on the planet. But I do credit Him for all my success, whether its the material things or the intellectual attributes. I understand that I would not be what I am at all or have what I have if not for Him. But (there's always a "but") the question is am I being unappreciative when I look around and still see all that needs to be better? And I am wrong in praying for better days and better times when I already have so much to be thankful for? Me personally, I don't believe that God holds our blessings over our heads to say, "Well look, I done already gave you this and that. Leave me alone!" That just doesn't seem right, or at least my human faith won't let me see it as such. I feel like I am very thankful for everything, but nothing is easy. Maybe that's my problem. I have so much, but life isn't any easier. There always something else needed. I don't know what it takes to be comfortable in my own skin. I just know that God will undoubtedly have something to do with it. The reoccurring theme of misery seems to be the absence of money. I just want to say that I don't love money, I just can't do the things I love without it. If I had one wish, I'd wish to live in a world where currency was measured by how good of a person I was, rather than what's in my wallet. And the only person who could judge the goodness of a person is . . . that's right, God. But, maybe that's way off base. So, I would go to plan-b and live in a where a world where I was comfortable. I don't need mad cash. I just want to live my life in a way where I don't have to sacrifice one need for another. I hate having to determine whether I need gas for food. I'm sure people are tired of trying to figure out whether to pay the phone bill or the cable bill. Whether to put their kids through school or keep the lights on. It's not fair. And I realize that it is not only me who feels this way. I've probably described many people just now. I don't like being the, "Whoa is me!" type person. But there just comes a time and day where picking yourself up off the ground just seems so much harder than staying there. And today was one of those days.
I have more to say about my religious confusion, but maybe I'll save that for later. I was writing out loud and this is where my mind/heart took me. Either way, I accomplished what I needed to accomplish. I got it off my chest. I hope in some way that I may have touched you or helped but if I haven't I'm sure I can. Only God knows why each of us is here and until I get my answer, I'll be around waiting. But for know, try not to be a failure, even though that might not even be in your hands.
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