Perfectionism

There were so many things I wanted to sit down a talk about with you, but at first it was the time constraint and now it's the feeling. This nagging feeling that won't allow to sit down and focus hard enough on what I want to say. No good conversation happening to stimulate my most complex thoughts, and no alone time to meditate on anything intriguing. It seems as though I've finally come to appreciate the simple solace a single dorm room can offer. Being at home is all a drag just because of where I am, it's my attitude towards it all. Like, I enjoy seeing my parents, playing the dependent role every now and then, and seeing the family on a regular basis; that's all good. I have a problem, and this problem remains consistent in nearly every aspect of my life and that problem is that I am a perfectionist. Perfectionism, in my case, is not the thrive for perfection, but the unwillingness to accept anything less. And as you may think, it is potentially a very dangerous mindset to have. Imagine my ordeal; never satisfied with my work, always having to settle on that which I can't make any better, and pretty much finding the flaws in nearly any circumstance. Don't get me wrong, some good has come out of it. I feel like I don't take as many unnecessary risk as I'm always thinking about the worse case scenario, and ways to make it the best. I'm able to read people (to a certain degree) to better understand what to say and what not say as to make the conversation/interaction as good as possible. But, it is when this is taken too far, that the danger occurs. In my case, I'm so cynical about people and their motives, that I choose not to spend much of time around anyone. I plan ahead for events so tough, that when I can't account for enough of it, I just end up not going. So claim that I miss out, but I don't feel that I miss any of it, since I've never experienced it much. My perfectionist ways are not new, but maybe I just have more surrounding me lately that brings on that anxiety.
Finals week was tough, I truly hope everyone did well and all their stress was worth it. My stress seems to have just begun again. I took my break the day after my last final, but since then packing/unpacking, moving, getting lost, and back spasms. I would guess the spasms are perhaps a result of the moving, but either way, they add to the dynamic of the situation. The reason I'm still up in these early hours of the morning are not because I'm not tired, but because I'm uncomfortable. I've spent an hour or so trying to put together my TV stand. A piece of junk in that is useless if even one item among its content is broken or lost. No extras. But, this being me, one piece did break. So I had to deal with super glue, tape, fire (don't ask) all which inevitably failed. So now, though it looks as though nothing is wrong, I know. And the fact that I know will continually haunt me as I use it. Eventually, I'll buy another one, but for now, I have to deal. And to a perfectionist, to simply deal is hell. My hell doesn't end with the TV stand. There are boxes, and suitcases, and clothes all over the place, with nowhere to me to put anything. Without going on a rant, allow to me to make this long story short; Because of the anxiety that accompanies the perfectionism, not only can I not do anything about the huge mess I've caused by moving back home, I can't even sit down comfortably to think about what could be done to alleviate it.
Like I've said earlier, this way of thinking stretches nearly to ever facet of my life. The way I get my hair cut, the places I go (as finding new places require following directions that I can't fully trust), even to the music I listen. I've been so frustrated riding around since I've been home because of how irritating the music on the radio is today. I don't know whether it's just because I'm getting older, or because the quality of music has significantly gone down (I guess both would be true technically), but I'm just lost on how certain songs made it from the studio to our stereos. I feel like this needs further examination, and I will talk about it later on, but the point is I cannot listen to music just because everyone else likes it as I hear too many flaws within it. Lyrical syllables aren't sensible, and often time illogical. I'll just shake my head at it for now.
I've written papers that I can never read again, edited photographs that I nit-pick at every time I see them, and can't even take notes because I'm too cautious of making a mistake, causing a scratch-out (white-out sucks too, but I'd use it over scratching something out). Everything is tied to this idea that I can be less than perfect. I've been in too many conversations about too many people and I fear what people have to say about me when I'm not in the room. My goal is to cover every area as to give them nothing to say. But the ultimate fallacy with perfectionism is that nothing is perfect. Nothing can be perfect, so therefore my goals are lessened. My dreams face the possibility of never being fulfilled due to being unsatisfied with all that I do. So in my mind, no matter what I overcome, what I achieve, what I do, it will simply leave me with content feelings. If I were a wiser man I'd say that the acceptance of my condition, and the ability to fight through it all while making myself the best that I can be is the perfect story, and the best way I can live. The perfect result. Perfection isn't everything, failure can be. Don't be a failure.