The Bigger Person

There are times when you fully realize that you are getting older. Whether it's health concerns, tastes in music change, or looking at old photos. There are signs everywhere, and we at some point, succumb to each illusion (Time as an illusion reference). But I have come to realize that I am getting older by the situations I find myself in. I realize that the old way of doing things just no longer work as they would have, had I been younger. For instance, temper tantrums get us nowhere after a certain age (unless you had black parents, in which case they got you nowhere no time). But also, you have to deal with issues of respect for others, decency, maturity, etc. All those culminate in the attribute of being the bigger person. I will be the first to admit, being the bigger person has never been easy for me. From apologizing to someone that I had wronged, to maintaining a respectful disposition when my elders were wrong; being the bigger person is difficult. I'm not sure if everyone feels as I do. Some people have the patience, and endurance to withstand people and whatever mess they have to offer. People pray for those who have wronged them, they wish well upon those who have wronged others. I'm not there yet. I acknowledge that these are right, but the acknowledgment does not outway the practice. I'd like to share a situation I'm in with you to provide an example of what I'm talking about.


June 28, 2009: One of my closest friend's birthdays. Until the day of, I didn't know if I'd be able to make it. I was determined that I did not want to disappoint her. See, I may be a lot of things to a lot of people, but the last thing I care to be is a let down. I finally broke down and asked the only people I could for help; my family. My intentions were to somehow come across enough money on my own as to avoid asking anyone for help. Another symptom of getting older, for me at least, is pride. I just don't feel I should have to ask anyone for anything. My job is to provide, not consume. Anyway, they lovingly helped in any way that they could and I was on my way. It was fun teasing my friend all day, pretending that nothing at all was happening and awaiting the look on her face when she saw me. It all worked out and her and I enjoyed the guest and entertainment at her dinner party. That night was cool, watching highlights from the award show, talking with the few remaining guests, and snacking on the rest of the food. The next morning, I awoke with news that I could no longer stay. No from my friend, but from her roommate. I was shocked, we were shocked. Just the night before we were all talking, laughing, and having a chill time. Now, she seems motherly, stubborn, and angry. Not that rage-like anger that I experience, but a cool parent-like anger where she knows she has the upperhand no matter what we say. She tells me she doesn't feel comfortable with me in her home because she doesn't "know" me. I remind you, I've met this girl on several occasions, and we were just cool the night before. All of a sudden I'm some stranger. There was never a point in time where I would even be in the apartment with her alone. My friend would have been with me at all times. Plus, they have separate rooms. More than enough space for her not even to feel my presence. She was hearing none of that. Several long, drawn-out conversations later, we finally reach a compromise. After going through all the "house rules" her and my friend drew up, a few raised voices, and hours of frustration (I remind you, she only spoke directly to me once, which is a main part of the story) she agrees that I can stay only one more night, but I have to leave at noon of the next day.


I'd like to say that I completely understand her situation and where she is coming from. My visit was a surprise, she doesn't really know me on a personal level, and for summer class takers it is their finals week. All this I understood and apologized for (being the bigger person). Her side comments on where I was wrong at were unnecessary, her telling me that "as a man" was unnecessary, and her claiming that my friend, Tokie, room was part of THEIR home was also unnecessary. As I said earlier, there is more than enough room in this place for her to keep up her daily routines without even knowing I'm here. They have separate bathrooms, she doesn't have to cook for me, she doesn't have to clean up after me, I'm not loud, nor was I disrespectful in anyway. Everyone we've (Tokie and I) talked to about this has agreed with us. Tokie pays just as much as she does, so in actuality she has no right to dictate what goes on in a room that isn't hers as long as we aren't noisy or disruptive. Which we weren't. Apparently, to her, I'm a strange man in her home who she has to make accommodations for like I'm some sort of child. She's 23 years old, and trust me, she talked to us like she was old enough to have had us herself. Well, she somewhat did to me, but as I said, Tokie isn't done talking yet. I'm proud of her. My dilemma still remains . . .


Some of you may know that I've had some anger problems as of late that I've had to work on. I feel like now would have been the opportune time to unleash that fury, and show her myself in every which way she was wrong. Not only in this situation, but in life (it's a family thing). But, I didn't. I sat there, and let this individual talk to me as though nothing I said mattered. I felt that way because, indeed, I was in her home. She could have called the police or anything. There was no telling. Hence, why getting older is so evident. There was a time when you could have a spat with someone and it would soon blow over. This one could have come with reprehensible consequences had I acted as I felt within. I feel ashamed that I've let her dictate to me. In my attempts to aid in a happy birthday for my friend (I'll call her what she is, she's my ex, and new girlfriend, Tokie), I had to encounter a situation I was not ready for. I accused of being disrespectful, uncomfortable, and indirectly a nuisance. By not saying what I could have said, I feel like I was being the bigger man. The price, however, is that I must now succumb to the wishes of someone who is wrong in her accusations and her actions. The bigger man makes me feel like the bi . . . (I can't say that online, but you know what I mean). What would you do?


Until next time people, don't be a failure, be the bigger person regardless. God sees your actions and just as your enemies, you reap what you sow. Make sure you reap the benefits of being the good person.