I get told to calm down a lot. People tend to catch on that something serious is on my mind, and if they have the luxury of knowing me personally, then they understand that not everything registers as it should once anger kicks in. See, I haven't been full blown mad in a while, but frustration, disappointment, helplessness, annoyances, and impatience among many others are all small triggers of anger. I like to think that people utter, "Calm down" at me because the understand that I am better than that, that my emotions shouldn't cloud my thinking as they do. I appreciate that, because that means that people care. They don't want to see me do anything stupid, or get myself into any type of trouble. If I can recall correctly, anything goes when I become angry. And many of you may not know this, but as of late I've been researching different ways of managing my anger. It's never been a major problem as it is now, and the only reason I say that is because now I'm tired of feeling these ways. I know nothing good can come from it and when it happens my mind isn't working the right way. But I feel like anyone who has even been angry, or any emotional individual will understand that "calm down" isn't exactly what we want to hear during times of mania. I say all that, to say this: there are times when I just cannot snap out of a mood that I am in. There are things on my mind that have gotten to me, and I feel the need to release those things so that I may return to the calm, tranquil individual I was earlier. I ask that you please not take anything here personally, as its only the result of mismanaged strong feelings.
Today was the hottest day of the year so far. It had to be, because nowhere could I find any comfort. The fans blew nothing but hot air and it was so muggy that after my shower I couldn't even apply any lotion. I barely wanted to put anything on at all, but I found out that we had plans of going to the fireworks. I didn't want to go, but my family was going to be there and I knew I needed to get out of the house. Going was no problem, it was all the things I knew I would encounter when I got there that bothered me. Understand, that since I was a child I've never liked being around large groups of people. I'd stay under my mother until it was time to go. I've avoided these situations all my life so that I wouldn't freak out and curl into the fetal position on the floor in a corner somewhere. So I pretty much just brought things that would take my mind off of it today. No big deal. Before I could even get there, I hear the seriousness in my nephews voice that something is wrong. I listen as he tells me that my niece has a haircut. Not a brutal haircut, but not one any of us would have liked her to have.
(Not to put anyone's business out there, but my niece has come to into our family as a result of the death of her mother. My sister is her godmother and has vowed to take care of her every since. She has her last remaining family that she stays with whenever she's not around us. As a result, we have a bit of a problem with the way certain things are done when we are absent.) Anyway, I agreed not to say a word about the haircut, but I had my thoughts. I was angry. Just as angry as my nephew who wanted to track down this "nigga" who cut her hair and have a LONG conversation with him. I guess they were all smart enough to know that giving us the right information would have been wrong for all of them involved. My nieces and nephews may upset me, and rattle me more than any other group of people on the planet. But I'd never want to see anything bad happen to them. Any mistreatment, or bastardization of anyone of them would cause me to become angry thereby losing all sense of responsibility of my actions and the actions of those I choose to commune with.
Besides that, my nerves began to turn cold as the children in our camp began to play a little too much. It was hot, and like I said, I couldn't find a decent place to get comfortable, so the conditions worked to my disadvantage. It's not that they were any worse than usual, it's just that I was ill-equipped to deal with them at the moment. Thank God it was about time for the fireworks to start, because I don't know how much more I could have handled. When they started, I turn on my music in my headphones and watch downtown Detroit light up with beauty as the display continued. For a moment, I felt it was all worth it. I understood why people all over the state ventured to the city, so early in the day to secure their spot for the feature. Everything was beautiful . . . until it was time to leave. Like baseball games, basketball games, church service, and picking children up from school, it was hell to get out. We were at Chene park and it felt like the hundreds of people and their cars were trying to squeeze through one small opening that lead out into the rest of the city. If nothing else, that killed the last nerve I had to ever do anything with people again. I'm not so much as steaming mad as I was earlier, but my mind is still wrapped around the events that just took place.
There are a few things I saw today that really caused me to shake my head. I just couldn't believe what I was seeing at certain points. I disappointed that my family and I were among such chaos and riff-raff. Now people may read this and get a sense that my family may be arrogant, conceited, or feel we're too good for such things and you are only partially right. We aren't arrogant nor conceited (not all of us), but we should have a frame of mind to feel too good to amongst such debauchery. There are small children and household pets playing and having a good time, yet males and females alike decided to stunt, putting all of us in harms way. You don't drive down a gravel road where there's family trying to enjoy their day just to look good for some "niggas" or "hoodrats" that ain't doing anything but wasting space. Dudes with rims worth more than the car, sitting out in the hot sun smoking them funny cigarettes, being completely disrespectful to those around them. The females were no better. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy when an attractive woman walks by and provides a bit of eyecandy for everyone, but please understand that's all it is. Eyecandy. There is no way in the world I'd ever take any of them home with me. They'd be lucky to make it in my car. See, I'm not like most dudes. I'm not out here trying to have sex with every girl I see; like I said, I'm better than that. Besides, just because you have on your short-shorts, with your super-cleavage all out, and the weirdest of hairstyles don't mean you're cute. Sexy, maybe, but all it says to me is that you didn't think enough of yourself to put on something decent and still hold my attention. So I may look, I may speak, and then I'll tell you to enjoy the rest of your day, because there's really no chance.
I don't want my family to get me wrong, I had a great time today. I enjoyed the time we spent together. You know we're all hella silly. The laughs definitely help us all. There are just time when the laughs stop, when things get "real" and observations are made. These are mine. It has really helped to get it all off my chest. A good day, turned bad, ended well. I'll take it that way over going to bed angry. In actuality, the anger effects me the most. Regardless of who it's toward, it hurts me the most. I also want to thank everyone for the support I've gotten with what I have to say here. I was thinking of discontinuing it, but I remembered that if anything I can say can somehow help someone else, then it's worth saying. My brother told me that not many people my age have anything positive to say, and that makes me proud to know that indeed, I don't fall into any category that anyone places me in, and that my message has touched someone. Until next time everyone, don't be a failure, just calm down.
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