Back by Popular Demand (Minor Thoughts #6)

Literally, I've been sitting here for a week or so trying to figure out what to talk about. What to tell my readers after missing in action since before Springbreak. I mean, I could have blogged about how fun Springbreak was. The weather in Florida, the waterpark, and all the cartoon characters I hung out with. Then I thought, no, maybe that would be rubbing it in the face of people who didn't do anything. I was going to talk about how I've been feeling lately. All the thoughts, the weird dreams, the rough transition back to being a student. That got nixed because this isn't a journal. I want to give you something worth reading, not some "whoa-is-me" look at my life. I wrote down some ideas for topics, about money, about giving your all, things like that. But, I felt like I was forcing it. This isn't a homework assignment. This is my outlet, my practice, my craft, and my readers. All owed more than my lackadaisical attitude lately. So, what should I do? I look around, I wait for an answer, and in the silence I realize that I should just write. It doesn't matter about what. If I start something, it will get finished somehow. Where we end up is not always where we planned when we started. But I'm sure that if I reach a conclusion, I reached it for a reason. What I'm here to tell you all is to not be your own worst enemy.

I'm a perfectionist. At least I try to be. I don't want to give anyone the chance to bad mouth anything that I have going on. I leave room for no one to point out the flaws in my disposition. I walk with a purpose, I write for a reason, and I am who I am because who I was yesterday wasn't good enough to get me to my dreams. While I feel that's a good attitude to have, overcontrol is not only a bad thing, it's virtually impossible. See, I feel like I should be in control of every situation. If I walk out the door, I should get across the street a certain way, sit in a certain seat in class, come back home at a certain time, procrastinate, eat, and head back out the door at a certain time. When I get to class, I should wait for my professor to talk for a few minutes, other people will raise their hands, and they will have a decent conversation. When they want to hear from someone else, I will raise my hand, say what I have to say, and I'm done for the day. So, if throughout the course of that plan, something is thrown off, I'm thrown off. I can't have that. I need to know how to handle when things don't go the way I expect them to. Besides that, 9 times out of 10, things aren't going to go the way I want to anyway. So while over control is impossible, the closer I get to it is inevitable my own downfall. In trying to control everything, I leave no room for the randoms, and sudden occurrences that make life worth living. I can't try new things, see new sights, and enjoy new pleasures because things may be a bit too structured. I've learned that you'll never learn how to get around unless you get lost.

With that, my writings have suffered with constant over thinking and perfection. I have nothing to write about because there is nothing going on. I'm so concerned with the future that I can't be concerned with right now. I want to be better, without getting better. I'm so worried about what publicists and readers will think that I haven't focused on what I think. I'm one of the most detailed people you will ever meet, yet even I should appreciate the subtlety of watching things develop.


In figuring out who I am and what I want in this life, I must start with the question, and answer it accordingly. I encourage everyone to do the same. Because forgetting who you are and why will only lead to . . . you guessed it . . . failure.
Don't be one, write something down.

Question of the Day (Update)

Again, never the smut pusher or gossip guru, I don't really too much care and I'm not really too much affected by what celebrities have done, are doing, or will do. However, I felt that with the nature of the last Question of the Day response, readers who hadn't already heard, should hear the news. Today (or at least I've seen it only today) the official police report was released concerning the issue of Rihanna and Chris Brown. Reading the report, I was uneasy. I felt empathy for her and just couldn't imagine how terrifying the whole ordeal had to be. Personally, I could go on some rant right now about how I feel about said victimizer, but I feel like that, indeed, would be smut peddling since it's not about personal feelings of the messenger, but of the victim. A few excerpts from the report states that, "Brown was driving a vehicle with Robyn F. as the front passenger on an unknown street in Los Angeles. Robyn F. picked up Brown's cellular phone and observed a three-page text message from a woman who Brown had a previous sexual relationship with.


A verbal argument ensued and Brown pulled the vehicle over on an unknown street, reached over Robyn F. with his right hand, opened the car door and attempted to force her out. Brown was unable to force Robyn F. out of the vehicle because she was wearing a seat belt. When he could not force her to exit, he took his right hand and shoved her head against he passenger window of the vehicle, causing an approximate one-inch raised circular contusion."

As the article continues, it goes on to mention the felonious threats and further beatings that Brown gave to Rihanna. Like I said, my heart goes out to her for having to go through such a potentially traumatic situation. Growing up, I only had to witness domestic violence, but thankfully those involved survived and were able to move on before any permanent, serious damage was done. I pray that any out there having to deal with this or any other type of abuse can safely and effectively find a way out. Click here to view full article. I hope somehow this whole situation can be a tool to help or teach someone who needs it a valuable lesson. So until next time, this has been you very rare update. Unlike Brown, you shouldn't be a failure.

Question of the Day

This has really been on my mind lately, and it has taken me some time to come up with what I want to say, and how I would want to say it. I've never been one to care much about celebrity gossip, and before you think I'm going there, think again. Yes, we have all heard the story, different variations and rumors, about two popular, young, talented celebrities intertwined in a domestic abuse situation. My focus initially was the pain I felt for the young woman, the presumed victim, in the situation. I admit, I am also wrong in the way I go about things. But that is my human nature. It was only naturally for me to feel like she was the victim and he was the villain. The mistake is taking sides in a situation in which all the facts are not present. A friend told me that there are always 3 sides to every story: that's her side, his side, and the truth. I don't know the truth, and really don't know either of their sides. My point here today is to give you my side, which is the bigger, broader issue that has arisen here. With that, my question is simply: When is it okay to put your hands violently on a woman?

The short answer (from this Gentleman's perspective of course) is no. It is never alright, acceptable, okay, or even approved to put your hands on the fairer sex. As a gentleman, I can say that, and get cheers and nods of approval from all my female readers. And I wish it were how things really were, but its not. As my male readers are well aware of, some women are begging to be put in their place. There is no way around it. Some women out there are all about causing trouble and are willing to go there with a man just to get that rise out of him. I don't know why, and don't clearly understand how a woman cannot see the signs of how manipulative she's being. How can you go so far as to put your life in danger just because you want your loud and obnoxious point made? You all know, I am a huge fan of The Maury Show. And on most episodes there is a woman on there who claims that the father of her child just might not be the father or her child. And most of the time, that is because she cheated on him. On the flip side, there is always a guy on there who wants to do the right thing and take care of his kids, but a woman who wants to prove that her baby is not his. The strength it takes that man not to level that woman to her knees is beyond me. The point is, there are situations where a woman is asking to be hit, but should we do it? Yes we want to, and we want to see it happen. But no, we cannot.

I always hate hearing those stories about how controlling a man is or needs to be where his lady is not allowed to do or say certain things without his approval. Any mistake, any act of independence on her part angers him, and the only way to restore order to his now "out of control" home is to beat her. In this case, there is nothing at all funny. And my heart goes out to any woman who is abused at any time. I can barely even imagine what it would be like to have someone over me at all times and even the most minor mistakes on my part are punished by punches and kicks . . . if not worse. Imagine always having to explain to family and friends why bruises occur so frequently. Imagine how the children feel having to watch as the person they love the most succumbs to an unjust "punishment" for her actions. What type of affect could that have on their psyche? What if they feel that's the way all women should be treated? I'm here to say that it is not. No one deserves to be treated like a misbehaved animal.

You have to understand, that those women discussed earlier who "have it coming" are not ladies anyway. A real lady knows how to act like a lady and any problems she has she knows how to get her point across. Remember. Any man that puts his hand on a woman to prove his point or restore order in his family is not a real man at all. Real men have an earned respect of being the head of their household where they don't need to prove their dominance through violence. These, for lack of a better word, men are simply cowards. Cowards who are afraid to let their women be themselves because if that was the case, these ladies would realize how much better they could really do.

My conclusion, without taking a side in the celebrity situation, is that at no point should a woman have violent hands placed upon her. In that particular situation, I think we all fall victim to the physical attractiveness stereotype. That is, the belief that attractive individuals possess socially desirable personality traits and lead happier lives than you and I. As we can see, that is not the case. Each side taken falls prey to the belief in that stereotype. People would believe the male involved is innocent (and the female had it coming) because of how much they like him. That would have to be due to his looks because I'm sure most people have not gotten to know him on a personal level. I fall into this category because of the attractiveness of the female involved. To me, I see her as a victim and this attack was unprovoked (or at least not worth her abuse) because I feel she is a better person, though I don't know her personally. Plus, I was wrong in choosing a side without hearing all the facts (still, I won't look at the picture of the result of her abuse and still will not listen to his music or acknowledge his existence). We are human, and emotions run wild for different reasons in different situations. Not everyone can be in control all the time. And for that, I apologize.

I hope what I've said here today finds you well. I tried not to pump anymore gossip into your brains. I'm not a smut pusher, but I felt there was a more important message that needed to be addressed. At their young age, they should not even be at a point in any relationship where violence is involved. We're too young to have to deal with that. And in any relationship, if their is violence then there is obviously an underlying problem that needs to be taken care of. That problem may simply be that the the two of you do not need to be together. And one of you needs professional help. It is not okay to hit a woman, and it is not okay to purposely provoke a man. That is my take on it. Maybe now we can pray in the right way and help bring an end to a sad saga. So, don't be a failure, just walk away.

Typing Out Loud (Bad Day)

It's late, and I don't really feel like goin' to bed right now. I just got off from work and read part of a chapter in my psychology book, so not all my time was wasted. I haven't been feelin' too good lately. Physically I'm fine, I'm just troubled by a lot. I figured I need to get it out because it was torture not havin' anyone to talk with. If you recall from last year, I had some troubles with payin' tuition and disenrollment, and just a bunch of mess from the loand company and the school. Well, it seems like some situations don't go away just because they're resolved (go figure). Today I had to go find out why I wasn't receiving a pay check for the work I had been puttin' in. They told me, that because I hadn't paid my tuition (which I have an extension date on) I am not a registered student and therefore my checks are inactive until they have they're money. Isn't it funny how not only is it a privilege for me to go to school here, but it is also a privilege for me to work here. Anyway, somehow or another (no one I talked to seems to know) I owe the school some back money from Fall semester. The same Fall semester I went through hell to pay for a few months back. Things just always seem to have bad timing for me. I don't know why. Today my father sent me all my mail from home. I get a letter from the loan company saying my application for a loan has been rejected. I don't even know which loan application they're referring to. It's just the symbolism of seeing that, and talking with the nice (sarcasm) people at the administration building. Oh, let's not forget that of course my phone bill is due. I hate T-Mobile. I like they're phones, but hate how they operate. My bill would be due on the in between weeks of me gettin' paid. But, that's probably somehow my fault too. The point of all this is to say that I've had a bad day. This day seems to be the boiling point of everything that I've been thinking about lately.


I'm really confused. Anyone who knows me and anyone in general understands how irritating it is to be constantly confused. Mostly about my faith and things of that nature (ain't it funny how every time we go through something, our faith is questioned?). Like, the hardest part for me is wondering if God, is listening to me of not. I'm not his best child (no matter how I mush I say I am), and I'm not the most religious fanatic on the planet. But I do credit Him for all my success, whether its the material things or the intellectual attributes. I understand that I would not be what I am at all or have what I have if not for Him. But (there's always a "but") the question is am I being unappreciative when I look around and still see all that needs to be better? And I am wrong in praying for better days and better times when I already have so much to be thankful for? Me personally, I don't believe that God holds our blessings over our heads to say, "Well look, I done already gave you this and that. Leave me alone!" That just doesn't seem right, or at least my human faith won't let me see it as such. I feel like I am very thankful for everything, but nothing is easy. Maybe that's my problem. I have so much, but life isn't any easier. There always something else needed. I don't know what it takes to be comfortable in my own skin. I just know that God will undoubtedly have something to do with it. The reoccurring theme of misery seems to be the absence of money. I just want to say that I don't love money, I just can't do the things I love without it. If I had one wish, I'd wish to live in a world where currency was measured by how good of a person I was, rather than what's in my wallet. And the only person who could judge the goodness of a person is . . . that's right, God. But, maybe that's way off base. So, I would go to plan-b and live in a where a world where I was comfortable. I don't need mad cash. I just want to live my life in a way where I don't have to sacrifice one need for another. I hate having to determine whether I need gas for food. I'm sure people are tired of trying to figure out whether to pay the phone bill or the cable bill. Whether to put their kids through school or keep the lights on. It's not fair. And I realize that it is not only me who feels this way. I've probably described many people just now. I don't like being the, "Whoa is me!" type person. But there just comes a time and day where picking yourself up off the ground just seems so much harder than staying there. And today was one of those days.

I have more to say about my religious confusion, but maybe I'll save that for later. I was writing out loud and this is where my mind/heart took me. Either way, I accomplished what I needed to accomplish. I got it off my chest. I hope in some way that I may have touched you or helped but if I haven't I'm sure I can. Only God knows why each of us is here and until I get my answer, I'll be around waiting. But for know, try not to be a failure, even though that might not even be in your hands.

Whatever New Trend it is . . . (Minor Thoughts #5)

Can you consider something a trend if it just keeps happening over and over again? Isn't that called an epidemic? I believe it is. I felt like I should say something because not all adults understand what we (preteens, teens, and young adults) have to deal with on a regular basis. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. Try to refrain from my cynical views of people and give them a chance. But I absolutely cannot justify the actions of people who can't seem to understand that being pregnant is not what's hot in the streets! There are a lot of various trends out there. Multiple ways to express your "individuality" by following the group other than having a baby because everyone else seems to have one. Reading this, how many people can you think of that is either pregnant, or has been pregnant before the age of 20? I can think of many, and I'm not judging them for their decisions, I just question their motives.

Before I get told off and cursed out, I want to say that if you are, indeed, 20 or under, and you have made a conscious decision to bring new life into this world by whatever means, then I support you 100%. As long as you can be the best parent to that child and can keep your mind focused on your future, by all means, more power to you. I am talking to those, "Ooops! I'm pregnant!" individuals. The ones who have friends or cousins or people at their school pregnant, yet, not learn anything from the mistakes made. How stupid is that?! How stupid is it to think that it can't happen to you if you choose to use no protection, no contraception, and no morning after pill?! There are too many ways to NOT get pregnant out there for you to claim that you have fallen victim. If you haven't noticed, I just killed the whole "the condom broke" argument, so don't go there with me. Believe me, I am not here trying to convince anyone to be abstinent. Because humans have humans needs. But, why is it that because of your 30 minutes (if you were lucky) of "pleasure" has turned into a lifetime sacrifice? People have heard me say that pregnancy is the worst STD you can get. And I don't say that to say that babies ruin people's lives, but I say that because you could have ruined your life, as well as the babies. Unplanned pregnancy can cause regret, neglect, denial, stress, depression, and many, many other ailments for the rest of that child's life. I couldn't imagine bringing a child into this world with no reasonable means of taking care of it with the full reach of my resources. I never went without, so neither shall my child. I'm getting a good education, and so shall my child. How can you provide your child with what you had when after you had it, your life stopped? You can't give what you never had, but you can point them in the right direction.

So this brings me to my point: This is not new. We have all grown up around babies, seen someone take care of a baby, or even heard about how difficult it is, yet, you still "end-up" pregnant? We are so quick to say that our parents should trust us, and we're smart enough to make the right decisions, yet, when given the chance, we mess up. And I'm starting to think it's not even a mistake anymore. I believe that some people are getting pregnant just because they know someone else is. Pregnant women get attention, they get support (albeit temporary), and they have an everlasting link with that father that got them pregnant. A child is not a tattoo, a child is not that new cell phone, a child is not the new dance, a child is not the newest saying, a child is not the new way we wear our hair, a child is a lifetime commitment to a mistake you made because you thought it would be cool. I'm not here to preach. I'm just wondering if you sincerely wanted to bring life into this world, if it was an honest accident, or if because babies are the newest accessory to our "swag".

You all think about that, and you talk to the younger members of the family that are discovering what we've known for years now. You know how it was, you have an idea of what they're thinking, so please try to help them out a bit. I think I need to take more responsibility with my nieces and nephews and younger cousins, and family friends to let them know the difference between having sex and making love and everything that comes with it. Until next time, for the children's sake, don't be a failure!!!

Dependence

One of the worst feelings that I've ever experienced, and that continues to this day is owing someone something. Needing someone's help because for some reason I just can't do it alone hurts all the way down to my soul. When I need that help, it shows me my imperfections, it shows me where I messed up in life, and here are the consequences. I get short of breath thinking about what I owe people for the help they've given me. I just can't find comfort knowing that my safety net comes at someone else's expense. I hate asking people to come to my aid. Not only does it show them I'm obviously not doing something right, it's also admitting to myself that I'm not where I want to be. I hate it. God knows I hate it. Let me explore the different levels of moods I'm experiencing when thinking about myself as a burden.

College teaches you a lot about who you are as a person. Imagine one of those lessons being exactly how helpless you are. It's pathetic really. I walk around campus everyday talking and listening to people who have nothing to worry about. Their working, their parents have paid their tuitions, and they can go out, have fun and pay for whatever and whoever they want. It's beautiful, but it's depressing. It's depressing in that no matter how much I ask God to make me a person deserving of such high favor, everyday that goes by without that divine intervention (at least financially) shows me that I'm not ready. The kicker, is that not only am I only working on an undergraduate degree, I'm working, but the loans that I've accumulated will have me in debt til death it would seem. So, the outlook upon that point and time where my life turns from dependent to truely independent in nonexistent. So, even though I've accept this fact, I hurt when I have to go to people with my hand out, just to make from one week to the next. I feel so out of place. Since when did education become an rich-man's sport? I have no clue really. I just want to make it to the day where I don't have to ask anyone for anything except their prayers.

So, on top of having to borrow, and ask people for help, imagine finally breaking down to ask, then having them not come through for you. Change of plans, something unexpected has come up, whatever the case maybe. But I've had to battle myself to even utter the words that I need some assistance, then, my hopes are dashed after I was under the impression that everything would be alright. But you know, that's why I have no faith in people. I'm not supposed to, and so I don't. I haven't for a long time now. I've been let down quite often enough to know to always have a back-up plan. But, for the sake of this rant, I mean those times where the back-up plan fails. It's heartbreaking really. I can't explain to you how it feels to lower yourself to ask for someone's help, then they let you down anyway. My point is, I hate depending on other people.

I don't want to come off as an ungrateful person. I thank God all the time for the people, my family, who step in whenever I need them. Not hesitant, but happy to be there and happy I called on them. It's beautiful. I just don't like that they sacrifice on my behalf. It shouldn't be like this. I should have done scholarships, I should have paid attention in high school, and I should have been a child prodigy somehow or another. I can't go back and change that, but I can work my hardest to never ask for a dime again. These loans will be a distant memory. I'm working so hard right now on anything I can to make so that the only person my children have to come to is me. I will have them learn from my mistakes and teach them the value of self-reliance. I can't have them or watch them suffered the ways I've suffered. I would feel like I failure as a parent if that was the case (not saying my parents are failures at all. Because they are not). This is just how I feel. I feel very strongly about this, and I thank you for baring with me. Thank you for all the support, because God knows I appreciate it. I just wish that's all I needed from you. Until next time, don't be a failure. I know I won't.

The Gentleman Update (1/22/2009)

Hello people. I want to apologize for not keepin' in touch. Let me explain the scenario. As many of you may know, my laptop was pissin' me off to the highest extent, so I basically dropped it off at Best Buy and let them have their way with it. They said it would take about 4 weeks to repair, but I didn't care. I asked myself, what's better: To have something that doesn't work, or to not have it at all? If you are like me, you probably realize it's the same thing, so that was that.
I finished buying my books today. I had a little transition this week and part of late last week where I had to make some drastic changes. I realized that taking journalism classes wouldn't benefit me in the type of writing that I want to do. I had to take specific writing and English classes. It's a lot of reading, and now a lot of writing, I have yet to feel much pressure. I'm trying to just stick with it because I finally feel like I'm taking classes that benefit me, and not me paying to benefit the school. I'm also trying to stay positive about everything that happens because I asked for this, and now I will accept it.
Speaking of asking for new things, I guess I'm in the stages of getting those new things. As I said earlier, my laptop was pretty much useless when I dropped it off, and on yesterday, my TV died. Completely. I turned it off, and it never came back on. But, I'm not terribly upset. I had been complaining about both, you know, being increasingly ungrateful and what-not, and now I have neither. I'm feeling like in order to honestly need something, you have to be without something. I had been trying to find ways of asking God for a new television and laptop for awhile, but I didn't honestly need either. My laptop still worked and my TV still had a somewhat clear picture. So I was thankful for that. And I didn't want to go to God with a list like Santa Claus and waste his time on my petty grievances. Looks like He's beginning to work things out for me anyway, since now I honestly do need both. And if I do receive both I'll be thankful, not for the possessions but for the fact that the Lord heard me even when I didn't know what to say.


This week was a great week in history that gave me pride. I try not to have pride about a lot because I heard somewhere that being too prideful could be a bad thing, and because I haven't read enough about that, I just keep it on hold before I take a stance. However, I feel like these achievements can't be taken away now. This transcends being black, or liberal, or Democrat. This is history being made. And no matter how many times it has been said, we all know now that we can do anything we set our minds to. I feel pride that my vote helped changed the world and helped make history.


I do apologize that this was more a journal entry, as compared to a blog of some importance or stated opinion. I'm just trying to get my timing under control, and do things that takes advantage of all that time. Thank you for reading, and I promise I'm not neglecting my responsibilities here (improving the quality of my writing and the practice of getting out my thoughts). I'm just working with limited resources at the moment. If you can, keep my in your prayers and I'll return the favor. Until next time, feel the pride that's going around, and don't be a failure. Really, there's no reason you should be anymore.