Why Not Pray? (Question of the Day)

This is a question I ask myself, along with "Why pray at all?" I'm not at all against prayer, it's just that I have a lot of questions for which many don't have answers. I pray from time to time, but I always garner a sense of guilt afterwards. Whether I've prayed for some things I need, some things I can't handle, or for some people who I feel need it more. Either way, I'm always asking for something. I feel like I can only speak with the Lord when I'm in need of something, then I don't deserve that privilege. I know what you're thinking, I'm taking this too far. And you're probably right, but it's just the type of person that I am. If I don't talk with you on a regular basis, then I wouldn't come out of nowhere asking you for favors either. I hate when people who wouldn't take time out of there day to even wave at me, come to me when they need something. That's two-faced. And in my quest to be a better person, I try to put off on behaviors that contradict that.

Now, I'm not saying the Lord isn't a part of my life. I credit Him for everything, and I'm thankful for all that I've been given. But, there are times where I wonder if I should get down on my knees and ask for more, or take what I'm going through as just a part of life, and go on about my business. In my way of thinking, I see that whether I pray or not, my trials will come, and my trials will go. I will have good times, and I will have bad times. Things will ultimately happen in my life that I have no control of either way. I guess, that means I believe in destiny or something. No matter how much I wish that "destiny" was only in my control, I can't help but think about if that were true. Think about living a life where your happiness and progress depended solely on what you do . . . the pressure of that is almost overwhelming. With so much natural negativity available, it would be too easy to ruin your life from a few bad thoughts, and a driving force behind them. So, logically, I wouldn't honestly want to hold my own life in my hands alone. But, on the flip-side, I don't like the fact that trouble comes without me asking for it. You wake up in the morning, after a good night, and now everything is different. Your life isn't the way you left it, and now you welcome this turmoil you did not see coming. That too, is not something I'm particularly excited about.

So I'm sure you're wondering where I'm going with this; what exactly am I trying to say here? And the answer then, is that I honestly don't know. I don't know why to pray or why I shouldn't pray. A lot of people feel more comfortable praying, and others just aren't bothered with it. What makes this more difficult is the people who's opinion you ask about it. And in my quest to get those answers, I have encountered one of a number of different personas. There are those who live their lives without bounds, do whatever they want to do, say whatever they want to say without conviction, but who will completely contradict it all and tell you how wrong you are for not praying. They will talk about how good God is all day, in a seemingly arrogant manner. Almost saying that God looked our for them, "nah-nany-nah-nah!" That really angers me, because you see these people and wouldn't believe some of the things they say and the things they do, yet here they are telling me that I should pray . . . like them. They talk down to me because they "get it" and I don't. That tone that they're taking time to do me a favor and teach me a lesson on what's right and what's wrong. In the end, I'd rather take my chances on my own than to ever be told by seemingly bad people how off I am. Then, there are those who really don't have time for you if you're not all about God. He's all they talk about (don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with that). But, they act like they've never gone through anything, and have never made mistakes. Claiming that God kept them away from all that. He only talks to them, and if we don't listen to what they have to say, if we don't follow their lead, then we're hellbound. I wonder how bible scholars can be so judgmental? I mean, doesn't it say right in the bible that only God can judge us? My bible may be somewhat rusty, but I do believe it says that in some form or fashion. But, being the scholars that they are, they can put a spin on their actions, and it's words, to make themselves look all the better. These people, too, look down on me for asking the question, wondering how they became friends with such a demon as myself. I call these people "Super Christians". They are too good to be put in the same category as regular Christians, they're getting to heaven twice as fast as the rest of us (so they think) and they don't have to say "In Jesus' name" to end their prayers, because they can talk directly to God (at least in their minds they can). So, with the Contradicter and the Super Christians, it somewhat seems like I got the same answer, just at different polarities.

Who do you go to? Who's like me, and understands that things have changed since the bible was written, yet still has the faith to believe that God had a plan for me all along? Who else believe that Jesus died for his sins, and feels that religion is sometimes used as another way of discrimination and bigotry? I don't have that answer, but I will keep my beliefs. Giving up on my beliefs would take away from the little security I do have, but would ease my mind of certain worries that continue to linger. Either way, I feel the answer will reveal itself to me when the time is right, as every other time I've needed an answer. So, don't be a failure, why not pray?

Me Against the World

So, I've painted myself into a corner it would seem. I don't mind, I've been here before. I've been down before, and always seem to come out better than I go in. But, no matter how often things like this happen, I never get used to it. I actually think if I do become accustomed to it, the pressure will only elevate; putting me in a situation I may not be able to handle. Despite that, the people around me don't seem to be going with me like they should. I mean, I never had a clique, or a group of friends or family that go 100% for me like I would for them, so that doesn't bother me. But the simple act of getting along with these individuals has become an issue; so that's where my voice must be heard. Whether they hear it, or no one does, at least I can say it was said. I mean, true friends care about the well-being of others right? So if anyone wanted to know what's going on with Jeron, then they should go look to who Jeron talks to; his readers. See, I don't think you understand how appreciative I am to say "my readers". That touches my heart so much, because whether you agree with me or disagree with me, you care what I have to say. There's an unspoken respect that goes along with letting someone know that you enjoyed what they had to say. So, I thank you for that. That's a bright spot for my ordinarily dark dwelling.

So, before you think I'm in some dark place in life, where we dress in all black, I wear jewelry in places that makes no sense, and cut myself because I think blood is cool, I'm not. What I'm saying is that there are not a lot of reasons to smile for me. And that's not anything new, it's just something that I've learned to deal with over time. Still learning, as a matter of fact. So when patterns begin to form, I can pretty much tell where they're going. Like now, I feel that eventually, I will end up with people who for some reason or another, will no longer consider me a "friend". That's okay. I mean, I never had that many, and the only true ones I can count on one hand. I say that so much, that it may be taken as a cliche', but it's so true. I prefer to be by myself anyway. Not necessarily sitting in my room alone all the time, but that companionship that people have with one another, I don't mind not having. See, I'm a middle child. I mean, I'm the baby, but shortly after I was born, my nephew was born. So I bridge the gap between those two generations. My cousins all grew up elsewhere. I was on one side of town, and they all were on another. With that being said, I've never been in the position where I had that "bestfriend" or constant companionship where I never felt alone. That never occurred for me, so it's not like I can miss something I've never had. Understand?

As I look around, I wonder where the humility went? You can't give people compliments, reach out to them, talk with them, without them giving you some attitude like it's a favor for you to talk with them. Do they not realize who I am?! I've been being humble, swallowing my pride a lot because I do not want to be the person who's bigger than he really is. I don't allow my ego to get so far out of control that I can no longer control myself. But, I feel that my silence on that front has been mistaken for something else. Perhaps a feel of Jeron has "accepted" his "status", or he's gone soft, so what he says and who he is no longer matters. He's going to be whoever we want him to be, even when we don't want him to be (think about that). That's not the case. I am Jeron M. Burbridge, born and raised by southern parents in Detroit, MI with 8 (one deceased) other siblings. I am all that God allows me to be and everyday I plan on honoring Him by being myself no matter what. In my belief, and my faith, I understand that there are better things for me, even if I may be the best. I can only go higher because of who I was and where I could have been is evidence. In philosophy, there is an argument which says that because the Sun rose yesterday, does not mean it'll rise tomorrow. And that's true. But, my faith wills me to believe that not only will I wake up tomorrow, something will happen that causes me to grow as a better person. So I think that the central problem is that if you are not willing to accept Jeron as who he is, then you are the one that is expendable, not him. You may take your leave.

In my mind, I feel like no one is there for me. Not speaking about family, they're there regardless. But I feel that my trust cannot spread amongst those who only consider themselves friends, while not actually showing that. My associates may talk behind my back, say whatever they need to say. Those close to me may not understand me at all, and that's fine with me. I don't like giving so much of myself to someone where I no longer know who I am. I've done that before, and it's an ugly situation when know one can identify the empty shell of a person who no longer has any character. That, my friends, is what failure looks like. Don't be a failure. If worse comes to worse, it is no problem at all for me to walk away from each and every person that knows my name, and live on peacefully.

Tired of the Mundane

As I look outside this evening, I'd say the best part is watching the rain fall, the lightning in the distance, and laughing internally at those who come in unprepared. Soaked and wet, they search for their IDs trying to avoid it any further, but it's too late. Attitudes, I'm sure they have, but to me, it's entertaining. Guess some people don't plan ahead. Sometimes, believe it or not, the weather man is right. My only concern is my car and hoping that the leakage isn't too bad. I'll prepare myself for the worse anyway. See, I have an off-track moon roof, and the last time it rained this bad, I felt it as I was driving. Guess I'll cross that bridge when I get to it, since I have other things on my mind at the moment.
In watching this distant storm, sitting at this desk half sleep, as the people greet me, I feel a sense of disappointment kick in. Disappointment for where I am and how I let things get to this point. Never in my life to I wish to be someone else other than the person I dream of becoming. So on this date, I come to the realization that I am just not that person yet. See, I don't choose to be a sourpuss. I don't enjoy rejecting invitations, and staying in every night, but this is what I feel I must do. For safety concerns, monetary responsibility, and pure awkwardness around people with whom I have nothing in common. An accidental outcast. In my quest to find my own identity, I seem to have forgotten that other people must identify you as well. Never the one to be a people pleaser, or give value to society's thoughts, I shunned anything not having to do with family and close friends. Now, I have no close friends. My family is about 90 miles away and any friendships are strained by my inactivity. I think about where this comes from. As a child, I never enjoyed the social scene. Being the first ones to leave any engagement became the norm, as anxiety would kick in, and I'd lose all cool. As I grow older, some things die hard. Instead of crawling into the fetal position in a chair in the corner, I simply stay put, leave early, refuse to eat, and blend in like the paint. It's never been anything that bothered me until tonight. Somehow this must all be tied to what I'm thinking about, because it's so fresh and so present right now.

When asked if I'm attending this party or that party; if I'm going to this club or that club; if I'm attending this event or that event; if the answer isn't simply "no" then it must be "I didn't hear about it." Some of the top social events on campus have gone unnoticed by me because of my stubborn attitude and this hole I've seemed to bury myself in. The thunder roars in the background; I must be on to something. As I sit here with the bright blue shirt on, the cutest of females converse with me on my night and my plans. With a smile and some eye contact to show a bit of strength, I turn the conversation on them, in hopes of showing them just how interesting they are (or not, doesn't matter). I realize I have nothing to offer the conversation, as I'm confined to this desk. The swipe of their IDs, goodnight wishes, and they're off to talk to anyone else more interesting, and our moment is forgotten. Not a moment of flirtation, but an encounter of two different worlds. The extrovert brightens up the gloomy day of the introvert. The popular takes the time to talk to the unpopular. I feel if I were not trapped behind this desk, if our social niceties were exchanged in a different setting, perhaps I would leave a lasting impression. Popularity is not what I seek, it's recognition. For no matter how much of an individual we are, no matter what standards we hold for ourselves, no matter if we care or not what others think about us and how they view us; what seems to reign true at all costs is that it is lonely when no one knows you're there. I'm not one to crave any spotlight accept that which I create for myself. But what point is a spotlight, if there's no one there to see you?

As the rain pours, I wish I could run out and soak it all in like a sponge. A metaphor for what God chooses to rinse away from me, and what He chooses to provide for me. What a beautiful idea that it's that simple. That for 20 years of being who I am, I could walk out and suddenly be cleansed of that which holds me back, and finally given that which propels me forward. Where I wouldn't be subject to a public service, but a public benefit. Where my name is synonymous with everything I'd hope it would be. When I look in the mirror, the pride I feel for becoming all that which I've been called to be. Looking at those around me, and only giving them that part of myself they need to hold their appreciation. As I began, I believed that I wanted to be popular, to be known, to stand out from the crowd with a presence about myself that others miss when it's gone. But now, I look at what I've said here, on this night, and appreciate the knowledge to understand the cards I've been dealt. My day will come when those who's favor I seek shall be reversed, and they seek my favor. The day I will be most proud of is upon us, and as the rain pours I am encouraged to retrieve what is rightfully and justly mine. Too bad I'm stuck behind this desk.



Deep right? Let me explain, I got to work today late, because I was about to oversleep. Often times, when I'm sleepy or tired, I seem to dive into this feeling of anger and sadness. Pretty much, I just feel like a big baby. So, I felt like tonight I should use that to my advantage. Indeed, it is raining, and I was asked about certain events that I hadn't planned on attending. And as the person turned to walk away, I felt bad, because I never really have anything interesting to say. I hate being that gloomy person who always bring down everyone else. So that got me thinking. As I started, I wanted to go in a different direction, but as I continued, one thing lead to another and here we are. I hope that the deeper meaning of what I said here is taken, and not the way in which it was written. If you know me, you know that I don't seek "acceptance" or thrive for popularity. Simply stated, I want to be comfortable enough with who I am to do whatever it is I want to do. And as I express that to others, they see that, and appreciate me all the more for it. Sitting behind this desk is not where I want to be. I want to be financially fortunate and have the ability to expand my horizons in hopes of seeing things I've never seen before and doing things I've never done before. While occasionally, enjoying the simple things a person my age should enjoy at this stage in life. And sometimes, that's just not possible. And that, my friends, is what I want to change. So, are we all cool now? Cool. Don't be a failure, the rain is good for you. Goodnight.