Tired of the Mundane

As I look outside this evening, I'd say the best part is watching the rain fall, the lightning in the distance, and laughing internally at those who come in unprepared. Soaked and wet, they search for their IDs trying to avoid it any further, but it's too late. Attitudes, I'm sure they have, but to me, it's entertaining. Guess some people don't plan ahead. Sometimes, believe it or not, the weather man is right. My only concern is my car and hoping that the leakage isn't too bad. I'll prepare myself for the worse anyway. See, I have an off-track moon roof, and the last time it rained this bad, I felt it as I was driving. Guess I'll cross that bridge when I get to it, since I have other things on my mind at the moment.
In watching this distant storm, sitting at this desk half sleep, as the people greet me, I feel a sense of disappointment kick in. Disappointment for where I am and how I let things get to this point. Never in my life to I wish to be someone else other than the person I dream of becoming. So on this date, I come to the realization that I am just not that person yet. See, I don't choose to be a sourpuss. I don't enjoy rejecting invitations, and staying in every night, but this is what I feel I must do. For safety concerns, monetary responsibility, and pure awkwardness around people with whom I have nothing in common. An accidental outcast. In my quest to find my own identity, I seem to have forgotten that other people must identify you as well. Never the one to be a people pleaser, or give value to society's thoughts, I shunned anything not having to do with family and close friends. Now, I have no close friends. My family is about 90 miles away and any friendships are strained by my inactivity. I think about where this comes from. As a child, I never enjoyed the social scene. Being the first ones to leave any engagement became the norm, as anxiety would kick in, and I'd lose all cool. As I grow older, some things die hard. Instead of crawling into the fetal position in a chair in the corner, I simply stay put, leave early, refuse to eat, and blend in like the paint. It's never been anything that bothered me until tonight. Somehow this must all be tied to what I'm thinking about, because it's so fresh and so present right now.

When asked if I'm attending this party or that party; if I'm going to this club or that club; if I'm attending this event or that event; if the answer isn't simply "no" then it must be "I didn't hear about it." Some of the top social events on campus have gone unnoticed by me because of my stubborn attitude and this hole I've seemed to bury myself in. The thunder roars in the background; I must be on to something. As I sit here with the bright blue shirt on, the cutest of females converse with me on my night and my plans. With a smile and some eye contact to show a bit of strength, I turn the conversation on them, in hopes of showing them just how interesting they are (or not, doesn't matter). I realize I have nothing to offer the conversation, as I'm confined to this desk. The swipe of their IDs, goodnight wishes, and they're off to talk to anyone else more interesting, and our moment is forgotten. Not a moment of flirtation, but an encounter of two different worlds. The extrovert brightens up the gloomy day of the introvert. The popular takes the time to talk to the unpopular. I feel if I were not trapped behind this desk, if our social niceties were exchanged in a different setting, perhaps I would leave a lasting impression. Popularity is not what I seek, it's recognition. For no matter how much of an individual we are, no matter what standards we hold for ourselves, no matter if we care or not what others think about us and how they view us; what seems to reign true at all costs is that it is lonely when no one knows you're there. I'm not one to crave any spotlight accept that which I create for myself. But what point is a spotlight, if there's no one there to see you?

As the rain pours, I wish I could run out and soak it all in like a sponge. A metaphor for what God chooses to rinse away from me, and what He chooses to provide for me. What a beautiful idea that it's that simple. That for 20 years of being who I am, I could walk out and suddenly be cleansed of that which holds me back, and finally given that which propels me forward. Where I wouldn't be subject to a public service, but a public benefit. Where my name is synonymous with everything I'd hope it would be. When I look in the mirror, the pride I feel for becoming all that which I've been called to be. Looking at those around me, and only giving them that part of myself they need to hold their appreciation. As I began, I believed that I wanted to be popular, to be known, to stand out from the crowd with a presence about myself that others miss when it's gone. But now, I look at what I've said here, on this night, and appreciate the knowledge to understand the cards I've been dealt. My day will come when those who's favor I seek shall be reversed, and they seek my favor. The day I will be most proud of is upon us, and as the rain pours I am encouraged to retrieve what is rightfully and justly mine. Too bad I'm stuck behind this desk.



Deep right? Let me explain, I got to work today late, because I was about to oversleep. Often times, when I'm sleepy or tired, I seem to dive into this feeling of anger and sadness. Pretty much, I just feel like a big baby. So, I felt like tonight I should use that to my advantage. Indeed, it is raining, and I was asked about certain events that I hadn't planned on attending. And as the person turned to walk away, I felt bad, because I never really have anything interesting to say. I hate being that gloomy person who always bring down everyone else. So that got me thinking. As I started, I wanted to go in a different direction, but as I continued, one thing lead to another and here we are. I hope that the deeper meaning of what I said here is taken, and not the way in which it was written. If you know me, you know that I don't seek "acceptance" or thrive for popularity. Simply stated, I want to be comfortable enough with who I am to do whatever it is I want to do. And as I express that to others, they see that, and appreciate me all the more for it. Sitting behind this desk is not where I want to be. I want to be financially fortunate and have the ability to expand my horizons in hopes of seeing things I've never seen before and doing things I've never done before. While occasionally, enjoying the simple things a person my age should enjoy at this stage in life. And sometimes, that's just not possible. And that, my friends, is what I want to change. So, are we all cool now? Cool. Don't be a failure, the rain is good for you. Goodnight.