Good evening, everyone! I just wanted to touch base with you all in these last few minutes of the year 2009 and just reflect a little on where we all came from. If you've been reading, you understand the struggles I've been through, and I'm sure we've all gone through our share of struggles. From some people I've talked to, this hasn't been a particularly favorable year. If you've watched the news at any point, you probably know that pop culture has taken major hits. Several people have passed on to be with the Lord, the economy has been fluctuating, unemployment has increased, just to name a few issues. What I want to do is just leave all of that where it is. Pretty soon, it'll all just be in the past. We'll look back at 2009 and just think about where we've come from. I remember the last "bad" year I had was 2007, so if you're having one of those years I truly pray that things get better for you and yours. It is difficult out here, but I believe the struggle is just the devil (or too much negativity, depending on what you believe) attempting to keep you from the blessings in store for you. Don't get me wrong, I'm not making light of this year's impact, but I feel confident that 2010 must have something great in store for each of us who have faith. I know I haven't talked much this year like I promised, but I've learned a lot. I'm determined to practice and work on my craft, write to deliver the message that has been placed on my mind, write for me. In 2010, I want to give a lot back to those who have given so much to me, but at the same time I want to give myself the attention I need to fulfill those obligations. I don't want to make a resolution for this year. It's like when you say "I love you" too much, it takes away its power and its meaning. We've made resolutions every year and I can't remember one I've completely held strong to throughout the entire year. So, I just want envision better for myself. When I think about, I want to envision myself as a better person, a smarter person, a stronger person, and a wealthier person. I don't necessarily want to get rich quick (not saying I'm opposed to it), but I want to gradually grow wealth. I encourage everyone to envision themselves better and envision the things they yearn for the most. It'll be a beautiful thing to see the great improvements this year holds for those who believe. I await your update. So, again, I want to thank all the reader for their continued support. I can't tell you just how much the little effort of even reading my work means to me. I wish you all the best. You keep supporting and keep reading and I'll try to keep giving you reasons to support and read. You invest in me and I'll do my best to give you the highest dividends. Bless you and yours, Happy New Year everyone!
If you weren't a failure in 2009, I believe on the Lord right now that you'll be even greater in the upcoming year.
Breathe, Believe.
I'm not a religious fanatic, and I don't believe I can save the entire world alone. I honestly don't believe, or intend, to save anyone. I just don't believe I have the power. But, as I finally found time to pray, I felt like maybe I should share it with others. It's personal, but still, maybe it could help someone. I started with a specific purpose, then went into a rant with a sincerity I haven't had in a while. I guess you can say I was writing out loud. Either way, I hope it finds you well.
Dear Lord,
With so much of my time spent not praying, it’s a blessing knowing that someone else picks up my slack and keeps me protected in your name. I know full well that things wouldn’t be nearly as good as they are without, yet I still understand that things can only continue to get better with you. As you know, it’s very hard to find time to myself sometimes with such a hectic schedule, and I also understand that its difficult for me to say that knowing how much harder some people have it. But I believe we all fight our own battles for a reason. Perhaps this test and these trials work on me in the same way someone with an even more hectic schedule works on them. Our thresholds are not the same. So in your eyes, as I like to believe, you are there to help wherever you are needed. Through my struggles, through anyone else’s struggles, you are there despite what things may look like from the outside. That’s my long, drawn-out way of saying thank you for being there for me even when things were only bad because I made them that way. I honestly would like to say prayer for all those who have it worse, in my opinion, than I do. Those with multiple exams on today, those who have full time jobs while remaining full time students, those with children to raise, and those with family troubles. I pray for them all right now. I ask that you be their strength in their times of need and you continue to guide their lives in right ways. I pray for those who have not yet come to the understanding of just how powerful you are, Lord. It took me some time, and I’m still learning just how very, very valuable prayer to you is. I don’t find any problem humbling myself before someone who has my soul interest in mind at all times. You do nothing but provide me with opportunities and blessings that make me better than I was on the days before. I can’t do anything else but love you for that, Lord. For everything that makes me happy here on Earth, I thank you for as well because without you, it too would not be possible. From family, to friends, to good music, to videogames, to cars, to clothes, to those moments where I can just lay down comfortably and rest, I thank you.
I really want to keep my mother in special prayer Lord. I don’t know how she handles some of these things she’s been given in this world, but everyday she wakes ready to handle it all again. I truly wish there was something I could do to ease all her pain and lift her spirits. If I can’t do anything else, I’ll just pray. In my most sincere bid for your help Lord, I pray that you heal my mother. Heal her of whatever may ill her, bless her with the things in life that always seem to evade her. If it is a financial blessing she needs Lord, I ask that you provide that for her. If she needs a new place of residence Lord, I ask that you provide her a way to attain that Lord. If she is need of a new vehicle Lord, I ask that you provide her with that Lord. I ask that you make your presence known in her life right now Lord, so that she may again enjoy life to the fullest. I ask that you remove the weapon formed against her. I ask that you bless her with all things that she needs and wants. I ask that you bless her in a way that neither she nor I could ever understand. I pray that you bring peace into her life and stability to her moods Lord. I believe a blessing for her would be a great blessing for me. I thank you in advance for all the wonderful ways you will enhance her life, right now.
I pray that you make yourself known completely in my life also Lord. I am nothing without you, and there is no direction but the one you point me in Lord. I ask that you bless me in any way you see fit right now Lord. I ask that you give me the understanding of what I can, and what I can’t come to you for Lord. I ask that you enhance my spirit with your essence Lord, and use me where you see fit to enhance the lives of others. Lord, I ask that you take all my situations and change them to however you see fit. I know I could ask you for a lot of things that I may simply want, but I ask that you always meet me at my needs first, and only where you see fit. Even I don’t know what I want as well as you do Lord, but I ask that you listen to the sound of my soul screaming out for you and ease my pain. I pray that you also stabilize my mood and bring peace into my life. I pray that what is broken is presented with a way for it to be fixed. I pray that what is not there that is needed, makes its way into my life. I pray that doors that were once closed, be opened right now in the name of Jesus. I thank you right now for all that you’ve done and what you have yet to do Lord.
Again, I want to pray for those at this university who deal with a greater stress than I do Lord. I couldn’t imagine how they cope with it all, as I barely do a good job of my trials. But, I haven’t given up, and that can only be because of your grace. I pray that these classes act only as speed bumps, and not road blocks on our way to our dreams Lord. I ask that material not known, be known so that our success here at this school continues. I pray for better methods of studying on all of our behalves Lord. I pray for better time management on our part so that we can give adequate attention to areas we need to know. I pray for time to rest, and allow the information to bleed into our long-term memory, to gain a greater understanding of our subjects. I pray that anyone who is putting forth a great effort here be rewarded with his or her heart’s greatest desire. I pray that those who don’t turn to you enough will begin to realize the error in their ways. I pray for the opportunities to talk with you in a greater fashion. I pray for those who point the finger at others in the midst of religious conversations. I pray that each of us realize the best answer by which to live our lives by. I pray for those who feel that others don’t have the right answer, as they judge us for our beliefs. I pray that those of us with our own beliefs no longer retaliate or condemn those who are religious or those who’ve come to call religion their answer for the wrong reasons. I pray for the state of the country in which I live. I pray for the man who leads this country into the future with his voice of change and his hope for a better tomorrow. I pray the safety of those who protect all of which we believe in. I pray that at the end of the world, I’m on the right side of the fence when it comes to who is saved, and who isn’t. I pray my family and few close friends remain safe through the night. I pray they remain safe through the day, and that no form of evil ever comes against any of them. I pray this prayer brings forth the change in which it was intended. I pray this prayer in Jesus’ name, Amen.
So, as I said, I don't believe I can save anyone, but I would like to help wherever I can. This is a personal conversation I had with the Lord, and I've come to Him in my own way. I believe that my writing is from the Lord, so why not give that back to Him. That is our relationship. I give Him what He gives me, but on a much smaller scale. That is only because I'm human, so I must humble myself with that knowledge. I, indeed, hope you enjoyed what I've had to say here. Please excuse any grammatical errors or anything of the sort as I don't reread or edit my prayers. I mean really, would that even make sense? I don't believe so. I believe the way it was written was the way it was supposed to be written. Everyone, be blessed. The blog is not the dead, the dream has not ceased, and the race is not over. So don't be a failure, keep running, and keep praying.
Okay, not YOU directly, but these are the sentiments I hold for the "university" I attend. Many of you know the trials I've been through and the complete disdain I have for the establishment. I guess some things die hard. Because as of yet have I had an experience that makes it all worthwhile. Sure, you may say graduation and the Spartan seal on my diploma will open certain doors for me in the future . . . ha! This seal will definitely mean more to on-lookers than it ever will to me. This school has tried everything it's capable of to show me that I'm not wanted here. Either my grades haven't been high enough, my money hasn't been high enough, or on days where the office is bored they just choose to make things increasingly uncomfortable for me. I know the game, learned it pretty well, but can't do anything to adjust to it. I've paid them thousands of dollars that I don't even have, and they will probably have me in a pinch for the rest of my life. Forget that! My main goal is to pay back what I owe so I can never have any ties to this school ever again. The only reason I buy pop from the vending machine is because I'm too lazy to walk off-campus at 2am. I mean, honestly, there has been no great improvement for me from high school to college. I even got picked on in elementary and middle school and enjoyed my times more. These have to be some of the most incompetent people to ever run anything (well, in light of the recent economic crisis, I can't say that whole-heartedly). I've honestly had conversations with people who blatantly forgot what they had told me moments ago. I had to prove to a lady today that SHE told me my room assignments and such were all set. I just forwarded her the e-mail she sent me back to her. I would have paid to see the stupid look on her stupid face. My fight with administration at this school has been nothing but miraculous that it hasn't gotten violent. Either they were going to do something to me, or I was going to do something to them. They don't like me, and I don't like them. I hope they know that, because it is well known on my end. People have the nerve to criticize me for not having school spirit . . . ha(again)! This school doens't have school spirit, at least not in the sense I'm referring to. Why should I support any organization that has put me through this much turmoil? This is the precise reason I wouldn't join a fraternity. I feel like I've gotten "jumped-in" to be a part of this school and now I want nothing more than to be apart from this school. I used to be conflicted on how I should look at the "school spirit" question; if I should be proud for being a part of the institution, or if I should feel proud of being a part of the citizenship which makes up this school. I've come to the conclusion that neither is great, nor has either been great to me. These people aren't anything special. The fake individuals from high school became the fake individuals of college. The same parties I didn't want to go to because of the people in high school are the same parties I don't want to go to because of the people in college. The gangfights back then are fraternity beefs now. The girls who didn't notice me then, only notice me now if I want them too. Sure, I've met a handful of good people here that I can call a friend, but a handful out of 44,000 people is nothing to feel good about. The professors aren't here for me, the students aren't willing to help me, my neighbors annoy me, the food sickens me, the administration is obviously against me, and the money I pay to go here is not worth the services I'm receiving here. If for any reason I don't make it into Heaven, it will be because of what has gone in my years at this school. I said the other day when our football team beat the University of Michigan that I was attempted to buy a MSU hoodie . . . I may still buy it, but if you see me with it on then you'll see me in hell on the coldest of days.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for 21 years on this Earth. Thank you for the people I’ve come to know and love as my family. Thank you for all the great times, all the memories, the safety, security, and blessings you’ve bestowed upon me over my entire lifetime. Thank you for seeing safe passage for me through this world even before I set foot in it. I’ve celebrated my birthday as of this weekend and on today I want to do nothing else but thank you for all you’ve done for me. Thank you for the strength to make it through situations I saw no way out of. Thank you for the endurance to handle all of life’s toughest moments. Thank you for tears shed and unshed, for the happiness seen and the sadness overcome. Thank you for the ability to think things through and the intelligence to understand that doing the same things will not get you different results. Thank you for health, understanding and deliverance. Thank you for my pain threshold; allowing me to make statements for the people I love that will forever be an expression of your influence. Thank you for the good and the bad examples. Thank you for the courage to realize who to go to for help, and when to ask for it. Thank you for providing it and placing those around to provide it. I remember being afraid to grow old, not knowing what could happen tomorrow, or how I’d handle things unforeseen. But I’ve realized that I don’t mind growing old at all as long as the experiences grow greater. This year will be tough, as will each one that follows, but I just pray that you walk with me and guide me toward the ways that offer the least amount of turmoil. Lead me down the path of joyousness and greatness as a smile on my face will inevitable lead to the smiles of many others. I believe right now that life consists of more than what we can sense. But this life and all its imperfections capture just a taste of what is in store for all of us if we just pass the test. So I shall take notes on what you say to me and call for me to do. I pray for the faith of my mother, the strength of my father, the wisdom of my grandmother, the intelligence of my sisters, the character of my brothers, and the spirit of the children; an optimistic outlook on life with the worry or doubt of a society who’s only goal is to hold them back. I encompass each of these attributes and more because you have blessed me with the attitude to strive for it. And for that, though not enough, I thank you. The first moments of being an adult will forever be close to me as I started them off with those I love, whether they were there in person or not. And as of the golden day, 21 on the 21st, I have started my new path in a conversation with you. Lord, these and all other blessings I ask in your son Jesus’ name, Amen.
Hello All. I'm coming to you tonight/this morning, at work, looking out the window on my study break. Indeed, I am a psychology major, in the hopes of becoming a psychologists, or some type of equivalent therapist in an effort to help people release the burden of their minds. I remember very early on, when we were all in high school discussing what we wanted to major in, psychology was the last one I stuck with. Prior to this one, I wanted to be an OB-GYN, which would require me to major in whatever field covers that. I thought about it, felt like I'd get overwhelmed by vagina and the such, and had an interest in advertising. The advertising never really panned out the way it should, because I didn't give it much thought. I would assume that I said that only because of my growing interest in how comical (and stupid)commercials had become at that time. Between advertising and journalism, I developed an interest in psychology. I don't know my exact reasoning for choosing psychology; I feel it may have had something to do with a movie I was watching and enjoyed the atmosphere the job provided (not sick people, but the office, the couch, and the respect). Very early on, I would always hear the joke about how psychology majors are, themselves, crazy. I never actually denied the truth that that statement held, I just wouldn't use the word "crazy" (prominently because in my high school psychology class, we weren't allowed to). I will definitely agree with the fact that, at least in my case, there are some underlying reasons for studying psychology. I mean, think about it, I'm in college to study the study of the way people think, feel and act (pretty much). For those that know me, you know right away that I am the first to tell you that I'm not even a people-person. I've lost out on job opportunities for making that fact clear. But my general interest in psychology, even before helping my family, friends, and others in need, is to really help myself. I feel like I've been in a transitional period since the age of 15 or 16; just trying to find answers to different questions I have and come up with some sort of answer to who I truly am. I guess to say that, would be for me to also say that I wanted to find out what was wrong with me. I don't necessarily have a specific reason why I don't like people, or why I'm angry all the time, or why I choose to keep to myself more often than not, but that's just how I am. I've grown to believe these things as normal . . . until I'm in an atmosphere such as school where everyone seems to have the best times as long as everyone else is present. I've grown to respect people who accept themselves for who they are, and refuse to change just because it's recommended, but I've also grown to respect people who recognize that they have a problem and feel it's time to somehow correct it. I'm somewhere in between.
So with my underlying need to figure out who Jeron is (mostly, I'll never completely understand all the dimensions of myself, nor anyone else for that matter), I also wanted to primarily help my family. One of the major things I learned when I went to therapy was that I needed to feel comfortable with whoever I talked with. I couldn't just open myself up the way I did unless I felt the person listening genuinely had an interest in helping me feel better. Luckily for me, I had someone like that. She was caring, and really wanted to know how I felt, no matter how I felt. She made me feel like she was on my side, and gave words of encouragement to go by. She didn't recommend large quantities of medicine, she didn't make me feel small, or trivialize my problems. Actually, she didn't make it feel like therapy at all. That had to be the most comfortable chair I've sat in since actually. So, overall, it was a good experience for me. I'm actually thinking about going back, for among other reasons, I feel I learned more about my career from our short interactions than I will in reading any of these textbooks. My drive to be a therapist now is based on a story my mom told me about her experience with psychologists, and hospitals and what-not. She told me how every time she'd go, the person she'd talked to previously was no longer there. So she'd have to start over each time with someone different, and really never getting to the root of her problems. That really hurt me, one because it's my mother, and two, because as someone who wishes to be a member of the profession, I was ashamed at the lack of care and attention that was paid to her. I don't think people should be treated as a "job", or a "case", or an "appointment" or anything like that. With the stigma placed on people by society to even reach-out to receive help, it takes a certain amount of strength to even admit that there's a problem. So, to get over that initial hump of admitting help was needed, then going to people who didn't look at the situation as more than her name next on the sign-in sheet, I was ashamed. So now I'm determined to right the wrongs of that particular hospital, or institution. It's up to me to make sure that my patients feel comfortable enough with me to allow me to attempt to help them. It's important to me to make sure that once people leave my office they understand that they weren't just additions to my paycheck, but that their health and safety was my main concern. It's vital to me to do right by these people because I've been at points where I had no help, or I was too embarrassed to asked for it, and now I think about where I'd be if I didn't receive any. It's very ironic also, because in my quest to help these people, I'm also given the chance to learn more about myself each day, which is why I major in psychology in the first place.
Until next time people, don't be a failure, ask for help. I got you!
So, let me set the scene for you:
It's raining, yet the heat inside this confined space at work is driving me crazy. There is no type of circulation here, it's my first day back, and it seems as though all the procedures have changed. I sit here, alone, with these people's lives in my hand and not really sure what to do at the moment. If another bug flies pass me, I'm either going to kill it, or break something trying. All and all, I would say I'm proud to here. As tired as I am, I finally feel like I'm doing something with the opportunity given to me. The reason for the good feeling in the midst of all this dreary dull-ness going on, is because of an attribute that has really taken it's toll on me lately. I think about my life, but I also think about others' lives in relation to mine. For everyone who has helped me, for everyone who has sacrificed something for me to get where I am, I owe you. I owe you more than you probably realize because I take it upon myself to make sure that if you invest in me, you will marvel at your return. I think about that at least once everyday. I feel it is my duty to put to use the time and effort that my family and friends have put in to me, and multiply it. I mean, could you imagine how selfish someone would be if they never gave anything back to those that believed in them? Not only backing them financially, but spiritually and prayerfully. I let too many people down if I don't succeed. If I don't deliver on my promises I couldn't bare to see the looks on the faces of my loved ones. And for that reason, I sit here; hot, bothered, and tired. I go to class in the mornings even though it's hard for me to sleep at night. I work this job even though it's hard enough to pay attention to my studies. But I don't want anyone to think that I am complaining. I strongly believe that to whom much is given, much is tested. I've gone through a lot of things in my life, despite my young age, but I feel that it's all for my good. Every time I talk to my family and we're going through something, someone reminds us that all this means is that something better is on the way. They say it in church, it has to be true, right?
With that said, I've taken on a new attitude. I look at things differently than I once did. I realize now that this degree isn't for me, it's for me to provide a service for those in need. Writing this book isn't for my benefit, it's for your enjoyment, and possibly your help. My reward will come, but in the meantime, I'm ever getting prepared for it. What that means is, if I suddenly came into riches tomorrow, I may not necessarily know what to do with all of it. But if I see the bottom, if I get a little hungry, if I feel bad for a few people, if have to cry, if I have to see a few other people cry, then get that money next week, now I know what is possible. So, even when I go to the store, I look around for things that I think other people would like, or that other people deserved. I've said all summer that if I didn't get a job, I wouldn't be mad, but if my nephew got one, then I'd be happy. And he did, so I was fine. I needed a job, but blessfully (my new word) I had a support system that was able to help me when I couldn't help myself. And I hope that I have let them know just how much I appreciate it.
The problem with all of that,if any, is the pressure of it all. The mounting pressure of not feeling like I've done all that I'm supposed to do. Not being where I am supposed to be. I'm reminded just how young I am, and my position in life, but I feel like I should be further along. Picture being in a traffic jam, you know where you want to go, you may even know how to get there, but there is a car ahead of you, one on the side, and no way to pass. You just have to go with the flow, no matter how slow it is. That's how I feel. I'm impatient, been that way all my life, and I drive fast. I feel like I need to get where I have to go because time is precious, whether you understand the concept of it or not. I don't want to see my mom go to work because she HAS to for hours on end. I don't want my dad on a fixed income where he has to sacrifice and unable to fully enjoy the fruits of his labor. I don't want my sisters working for the rest of their lives, I want my nieces and nephews to pursue their education without worrying about how to pay for it. I want to start a family, and I don't want them missing out on smiles or laughs because they're worried about the lights being cut off. I want food on the table, I want houses with more than enough room, I want vehicles taken care of, and healthcare to make our lives as long and prosperous as possible. Now, I'm not saying I can guarantee all of that, and I'm not saying I didn't have all of that, but what I'm saying is that if there is a way for me to make that happen, then I want to do it. That is what keeps me up at night, that is what keeps me here, that is what keeps me from quitting, and that is what inspires me to do better. I only pray that understanding is involved, and God is with me every step of the way.
Until next time my people, don't be a failure . . . I won't let you if I can prevent it.
Hello there everyone. Yet again, I must come to you with an update since I haven't really had much to say lately. Again, I apologize. But like I said, I feel it's better for me to talk with you about something meaningful opposed to talking for the sake of hearing myself talk. And with that said, it's hard to find intriguing topics to hit on with nothing much really going on. You know how it is, writer's block, boredom, and lack of material. With that said, I'll start with the updates from the Gentleman.
In regards to the book, in my own fault, it's been partially put on the backburner. Meaning, I haven't given it all the thought and time as I should. I've even stopped reading to gain a greater understanding on the art of literature. Really, I think that's more of my growth. The last book I picked up, I couldn't finish because I pretty much knew where it was going. In the author's (Steve Harvey) defense, his trade is not that of an author or a writer. I haven't put forth much effort to find more stimulating reads either, and that needs to change if I'm serious about writing this novel. I don't want to be that guy who's always talking about what he's going to do or what he should do. I am proud of myself, however, because I've come up with a premise, and started working on one specific part of it also. I've decided to begin writing down each idea I have for plots, dialogue, settings and situations. I should have been doing that the whole time, but if we don't learn from our mistakes, we don't understand the concept of intelligence.
The last and only entry I posted was about a letter written to BET by an (alleged) 15 year old girl about the network's choice of programming. I felt almost obligated to read and comprehend the message she wanted to get across because very rarely does anyone take a stand and say what everyone is thinking. I believe that many of us has, at some point or another, took a long look at what BET had to offer and didn't feel empowered or proud. I stopped watching once it was sold to Viacom because at that point the network for / by Black people was now run by white people. Not saying I have a problem with white people running the company, I have a problem with the network that represents the view, opinions, and lifestyles of Black people somehow being developed by white people. Let me slow down for one second, and explain a few things. If we can have a network called Black Entertainment Television, then it is only fair to have a network called White Entertainment Television, Chinese Entertainment Television, Mexican Entertainment Television and so forth. So personally, I felt having that channel was asking for trouble. But then, it went in a completely different direction. It showed black people in a way that came only second to VH1. I mean, the most positive shows were canceled on behalf of more rap music, celebrity gossip, music videos with no real point, music with no substance, and reality shows with no purpose. I'll admit, I enjoyed BET Uncut. The show and its videos had a purpose and a timeslot to accommodate it. Now we have Tiny&Toya, Wendy Williams, Keyshia Cole's family and many more that paints a picture of a black community that may not be true. From the award shows with no class, to the variety shows that were taken off the air for a reason, and countdown shows with the most ghetto of influences as it's guests, I feel like BET could have done better if it were to be so bold as to call itself BLACK Entertainment Television.
As of late, I've been dealing with some minor issues. It has been harder to clear my head or focus on just one thing. On top of that, I've been having fun in what's been going on with my church. Mostly the youth church, but the church nonetheless. They've put on carnivals, they mime, they dance, they sing, they play basketball and they really have a lot to say if you just listen to them. Some of the smart kids you've ever been around and I'm proud to say that's where I've come from. Couldn't make it to the skating party with them since I'm sore from balling all over them at the picnic. But don't let me gas you on, them little punks can work a nerve. Like all humans, they can be fake, have attitudes, and just generally upset the whole mood of the environment. But, I wouldn't trade them for any other brats. I would name them all if I thought for a second the little punks would appreciate it. lol! So, until next time people, which is hopefully sooner than later, don't be a failure: don't watch BET and go to church!
I want to start off by saying that I had nothing to do with the title or piece I will be showing you here. According to the details presented to me before the read, a 15 year-old girl named Janita Patrick wrote this long letter about the failures of "Black Entertainment Television". I felt like I were to read anything, then I should give my attention to that which deserves it. I must say, she hits on a number of very good points, backed up with facts to support her opinion, and excellent food for thought. I commend her or whoever wrote it (there is already questions surrounding the letter to whether or not this girl is indeed a 15 year-old girl) for all the thought and attention shown to getting her point across. Without diluting the story with any of my own theories, opinions, or beliefs I simply present to you "Why Do You Hate Us?", written by Janita Patrick.
Dear Debra Lee,
I’m Janita Patrick, a 15-year-old African-American female from Cincinnati. Recently, I watched the 2009 BET Awards and felt the strongest urge to reach out to the program. My family is of the typical middle-class variety; both parents and four brothers. See, I’m a junior in high school (got skipped), so naturally EVERYBODY in my age group watches BET. I’m used to seeing the sagging pants, tattoos, lack of emphasis on reading and respecting women that makes up your videos. People in my class live this out everyday, while teachers tell us that we’re acting just like the people in your shows.
In your shows. That struck me as odd, because I would think that with your show being the primary outlet for black entertainers and musicians, and considering the context of blacks in this country, there’s a social responsibility factor to consider. I would never blame BET alone for the way a great deal of my classmates act and talk and dress. Everybody makes their own choices. However, if anybody is aware the power of television on impressionable minds, it’s the people running the television operations. If you are not aware, then perhaps you shouldn’t be running the operations.
Guess who watches your network the most? Not those who are intelligent enough to discern foolishness from substance, but those who are barely teenagers, impressionable and believing. It’s awfully cruel to plant seeds of ignorance in fertile minds. You know it’s really bad when the co-founder of BET, Sheila Johnson, said that she “really doesn’t watch it” anymore.
I am constantly fighting against the images and messages put forth on your program. What made you think that it’s okay to bring my classmates on stage to dance behind Lil Wayne and Drake to a song talking about boffing “every girl in the world”? Why does reality train wrecks have to thrown in our faces? Are you aware of the achievement gap going in inner-city African-American communities? A report from America’s Promise Alliance, a non-profit group started by Colin Powell, recently stated that 47 percent of high school students in the nation’s top 50 cities don’t graduate. (Fifty-four percent of males of color in Ingham County graduated from high school, compared to 74 percent of white males). This isn’t because of BET per se, but I don’t see any episodes on your show doing anything to counteract this disturbing trend. In fact, your show is a part of this cycle of media depicting us at our worst.
My older brother told me something about profit being the number one goal for every business. I’m not sure I understand what that means, but I do know that your shows have to be entertaining enough to generate viewers, which is how you make your money. But surely our culture is rich enough to entertain without anything extra to “boost” ratings; why the over-the-top foolery? I listen to classmates talk about Baldwin Hills like it’s the Manhattan Project. It doesn’t take much effort to produce a throng of degenerative reality shows, nor does it take much to eliminate socially conscious shows off the air. MTV isn’t much better, but since when does two wrongs ever make a right? It’s one thing for white television shows to depict us in a particular way, but for black television shows to do it is baffling.
Why do you hate us?
All of the values that my parents seek to instill in me and my brothers seems to be contradicted by a more powerful force from the media, and your show is at the forefront. Your network is the only network that features rap videos and shows exclusively to children of my color. I know that you have no control over the music that the artists put out, but you do have influence as to how you air these videos. I’m sure if a stand was taken to use the talent in your organization to actually crank out thought-provoking entertaining shows and videos, then artists will follow suit. Being that they need you as much as you need them.
There was one awkward segment in the BET Awards when Jamie Foxx singled out three black doctors-turned-authors, but the introduction was so powerless that many of the viewers had no idea who they were. Had they been introduced as Sampson Davis, Rameck Hunt and George Jenkins, three brothers who overcame major obstacles to become a success without the use of lyrics that berate women, the sell of substance that destroy communities or through raps about loose gunplay, then maybe my classmates would have come to school talking about more than Beyonce, T-Pain’s BIG ASS CHAIN and Soulja Boy Tell Em’s hopping out the bed.
But they weren’t introduced like that. It seemed like a throwaway obligatory tribute to appease some irritated fans. It missed the mark. Big time. Ask Michelle Obama if she watches BET or encourages Sasha and Malia to do so. Ask President Obama. It’s a reason he is the leader of the free world, and it isn’t because of Buffoonery Exists Today.
You’d be surprised how smart young black children can be with the absence of Blacks Embarrassing Themselves. If your goal is to deter engaged, forward-thinking articulate black minds, then consider your goal fulfilled. It’s hard-pressed to think that your shows are working to promote cultural betterment. However, it’s quite easy to conclude that the destruction of black children through the glorification of immoral behavior and rushed production is by design. Poison is being swallowed by every viewer who adores your network, and the worse thing is, these viewers - my classmates - are not even aware what they’re swallowing.
There is nothing edifying for black women on your show. I don’t judge people who do throng to your programs though; I mean, if a jet crashes in right in front of me, I’ll watch it too. That’s why I don’t flip by your channel…I don’t even want to be sucked in.
I have aspirations of acquiring a law degree and possibly entering the public sphere, so I can counteract conditions in my community perpetuated by the images on your channel. So I should thank you, because in a weird sense, your shoddy programming is the wind behind my back. And it is my hope that I can accomplish my dreams despite BET’s pictorial messages, because Lord knows it won’t be because of them.
Sincerely,
Janita Patrick
What did I tell ya? Good right? Of course you know I do have an opinion and something to say about both sides of the argument and I'd like to thank Ms. Patrick for triggering something worth writing about. Until then, don't be a failure. Change the channel.
There are times when you fully realize that you are getting older. Whether it's health concerns, tastes in music change, or looking at old photos. There are signs everywhere, and we at some point, succumb to each illusion (Time as an illusion reference). But I have come to realize that I am getting older by the situations I find myself in. I realize that the old way of doing things just no longer work as they would have, had I been younger. For instance, temper tantrums get us nowhere after a certain age (unless you had black parents, in which case they got you nowhere no time). But also, you have to deal with issues of respect for others, decency, maturity, etc. All those culminate in the attribute of being the bigger person. I will be the first to admit, being the bigger person has never been easy for me. From apologizing to someone that I had wronged, to maintaining a respectful disposition when my elders were wrong; being the bigger person is difficult. I'm not sure if everyone feels as I do. Some people have the patience, and endurance to withstand people and whatever mess they have to offer. People pray for those who have wronged them, they wish well upon those who have wronged others. I'm not there yet. I acknowledge that these are right, but the acknowledgment does not outway the practice. I'd like to share a situation I'm in with you to provide an example of what I'm talking about.
June 28, 2009: One of my closest friend's birthdays. Until the day of, I didn't know if I'd be able to make it. I was determined that I did not want to disappoint her. See, I may be a lot of things to a lot of people, but the last thing I care to be is a let down. I finally broke down and asked the only people I could for help; my family. My intentions were to somehow come across enough money on my own as to avoid asking anyone for help. Another symptom of getting older, for me at least, is pride. I just don't feel I should have to ask anyone for anything. My job is to provide, not consume. Anyway, they lovingly helped in any way that they could and I was on my way. It was fun teasing my friend all day, pretending that nothing at all was happening and awaiting the look on her face when she saw me. It all worked out and her and I enjoyed the guest and entertainment at her dinner party. That night was cool, watching highlights from the award show, talking with the few remaining guests, and snacking on the rest of the food. The next morning, I awoke with news that I could no longer stay. No from my friend, but from her roommate. I was shocked, we were shocked. Just the night before we were all talking, laughing, and having a chill time. Now, she seems motherly, stubborn, and angry. Not that rage-like anger that I experience, but a cool parent-like anger where she knows she has the upperhand no matter what we say. She tells me she doesn't feel comfortable with me in her home because she doesn't "know" me. I remind you, I've met this girl on several occasions, and we were just cool the night before. All of a sudden I'm some stranger. There was never a point in time where I would even be in the apartment with her alone. My friend would have been with me at all times. Plus, they have separate rooms. More than enough space for her not even to feel my presence. She was hearing none of that. Several long, drawn-out conversations later, we finally reach a compromise. After going through all the "house rules" her and my friend drew up, a few raised voices, and hours of frustration (I remind you, she only spoke directly to me once, which is a main part of the story) she agrees that I can stay only one more night, but I have to leave at noon of the next day.
I'd like to say that I completely understand her situation and where she is coming from. My visit was a surprise, she doesn't really know me on a personal level, and for summer class takers it is their finals week. All this I understood and apologized for (being the bigger person). Her side comments on where I was wrong at were unnecessary, her telling me that "as a man" was unnecessary, and her claiming that my friend, Tokie, room was part of THEIR home was also unnecessary. As I said earlier, there is more than enough room in this place for her to keep up her daily routines without even knowing I'm here. They have separate bathrooms, she doesn't have to cook for me, she doesn't have to clean up after me, I'm not loud, nor was I disrespectful in anyway. Everyone we've (Tokie and I) talked to about this has agreed with us. Tokie pays just as much as she does, so in actuality she has no right to dictate what goes on in a room that isn't hers as long as we aren't noisy or disruptive. Which we weren't. Apparently, to her, I'm a strange man in her home who she has to make accommodations for like I'm some sort of child. She's 23 years old, and trust me, she talked to us like she was old enough to have had us herself. Well, she somewhat did to me, but as I said, Tokie isn't done talking yet. I'm proud of her. My dilemma still remains . . .
Some of you may know that I've had some anger problems as of late that I've had to work on. I feel like now would have been the opportune time to unleash that fury, and show her myself in every which way she was wrong. Not only in this situation, but in life (it's a family thing). But, I didn't. I sat there, and let this individual talk to me as though nothing I said mattered. I felt that way because, indeed, I was in her home. She could have called the police or anything. There was no telling. Hence, why getting older is so evident. There was a time when you could have a spat with someone and it would soon blow over. This one could have come with reprehensible consequences had I acted as I felt within. I feel ashamed that I've let her dictate to me. In my attempts to aid in a happy birthday for my friend (I'll call her what she is, she's my ex, and new girlfriend, Tokie), I had to encounter a situation I was not ready for. I accused of being disrespectful, uncomfortable, and indirectly a nuisance. By not saying what I could have said, I feel like I was being the bigger man. The price, however, is that I must now succumb to the wishes of someone who is wrong in her accusations and her actions. The bigger man makes me feel like the bi . . . (I can't say that online, but you know what I mean). What would you do?
Until next time people, don't be a failure, be the bigger person regardless. God sees your actions and just as your enemies, you reap what you sow. Make sure you reap the benefits of being the good person.
I get told to calm down a lot. People tend to catch on that something serious is on my mind, and if they have the luxury of knowing me personally, then they understand that not everything registers as it should once anger kicks in. See, I haven't been full blown mad in a while, but frustration, disappointment, helplessness, annoyances, and impatience among many others are all small triggers of anger. I like to think that people utter, "Calm down" at me because the understand that I am better than that, that my emotions shouldn't cloud my thinking as they do. I appreciate that, because that means that people care. They don't want to see me do anything stupid, or get myself into any type of trouble. If I can recall correctly, anything goes when I become angry. And many of you may not know this, but as of late I've been researching different ways of managing my anger. It's never been a major problem as it is now, and the only reason I say that is because now I'm tired of feeling these ways. I know nothing good can come from it and when it happens my mind isn't working the right way. But I feel like anyone who has even been angry, or any emotional individual will understand that "calm down" isn't exactly what we want to hear during times of mania. I say all that, to say this: there are times when I just cannot snap out of a mood that I am in. There are things on my mind that have gotten to me, and I feel the need to release those things so that I may return to the calm, tranquil individual I was earlier. I ask that you please not take anything here personally, as its only the result of mismanaged strong feelings.
Today was the hottest day of the year so far. It had to be, because nowhere could I find any comfort. The fans blew nothing but hot air and it was so muggy that after my shower I couldn't even apply any lotion. I barely wanted to put anything on at all, but I found out that we had plans of going to the fireworks. I didn't want to go, but my family was going to be there and I knew I needed to get out of the house. Going was no problem, it was all the things I knew I would encounter when I got there that bothered me. Understand, that since I was a child I've never liked being around large groups of people. I'd stay under my mother until it was time to go. I've avoided these situations all my life so that I wouldn't freak out and curl into the fetal position on the floor in a corner somewhere. So I pretty much just brought things that would take my mind off of it today. No big deal. Before I could even get there, I hear the seriousness in my nephews voice that something is wrong. I listen as he tells me that my niece has a haircut. Not a brutal haircut, but not one any of us would have liked her to have.
(Not to put anyone's business out there, but my niece has come to into our family as a result of the death of her mother. My sister is her godmother and has vowed to take care of her every since. She has her last remaining family that she stays with whenever she's not around us. As a result, we have a bit of a problem with the way certain things are done when we are absent.) Anyway, I agreed not to say a word about the haircut, but I had my thoughts. I was angry. Just as angry as my nephew who wanted to track down this "nigga" who cut her hair and have a LONG conversation with him. I guess they were all smart enough to know that giving us the right information would have been wrong for all of them involved. My nieces and nephews may upset me, and rattle me more than any other group of people on the planet. But I'd never want to see anything bad happen to them. Any mistreatment, or bastardization of anyone of them would cause me to become angry thereby losing all sense of responsibility of my actions and the actions of those I choose to commune with.
Besides that, my nerves began to turn cold as the children in our camp began to play a little too much. It was hot, and like I said, I couldn't find a decent place to get comfortable, so the conditions worked to my disadvantage. It's not that they were any worse than usual, it's just that I was ill-equipped to deal with them at the moment. Thank God it was about time for the fireworks to start, because I don't know how much more I could have handled. When they started, I turn on my music in my headphones and watch downtown Detroit light up with beauty as the display continued. For a moment, I felt it was all worth it. I understood why people all over the state ventured to the city, so early in the day to secure their spot for the feature. Everything was beautiful . . . until it was time to leave. Like baseball games, basketball games, church service, and picking children up from school, it was hell to get out. We were at Chene park and it felt like the hundreds of people and their cars were trying to squeeze through one small opening that lead out into the rest of the city. If nothing else, that killed the last nerve I had to ever do anything with people again. I'm not so much as steaming mad as I was earlier, but my mind is still wrapped around the events that just took place.
There are a few things I saw today that really caused me to shake my head. I just couldn't believe what I was seeing at certain points. I disappointed that my family and I were among such chaos and riff-raff. Now people may read this and get a sense that my family may be arrogant, conceited, or feel we're too good for such things and you are only partially right. We aren't arrogant nor conceited (not all of us), but we should have a frame of mind to feel too good to amongst such debauchery. There are small children and household pets playing and having a good time, yet males and females alike decided to stunt, putting all of us in harms way. You don't drive down a gravel road where there's family trying to enjoy their day just to look good for some "niggas" or "hoodrats" that ain't doing anything but wasting space. Dudes with rims worth more than the car, sitting out in the hot sun smoking them funny cigarettes, being completely disrespectful to those around them. The females were no better. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy when an attractive woman walks by and provides a bit of eyecandy for everyone, but please understand that's all it is. Eyecandy. There is no way in the world I'd ever take any of them home with me. They'd be lucky to make it in my car. See, I'm not like most dudes. I'm not out here trying to have sex with every girl I see; like I said, I'm better than that. Besides, just because you have on your short-shorts, with your super-cleavage all out, and the weirdest of hairstyles don't mean you're cute. Sexy, maybe, but all it says to me is that you didn't think enough of yourself to put on something decent and still hold my attention. So I may look, I may speak, and then I'll tell you to enjoy the rest of your day, because there's really no chance.
I don't want my family to get me wrong, I had a great time today. I enjoyed the time we spent together. You know we're all hella silly. The laughs definitely help us all. There are just time when the laughs stop, when things get "real" and observations are made. These are mine. It has really helped to get it all off my chest. A good day, turned bad, ended well. I'll take it that way over going to bed angry. In actuality, the anger effects me the most. Regardless of who it's toward, it hurts me the most. I also want to thank everyone for the support I've gotten with what I have to say here. I was thinking of discontinuing it, but I remembered that if anything I can say can somehow help someone else, then it's worth saying. My brother told me that not many people my age have anything positive to say, and that makes me proud to know that indeed, I don't fall into any category that anyone places me in, and that my message has touched someone. Until next time everyone, don't be a failure, just calm down.
Remember when you listened to your favorite song around some of your older relatives, then, almost like clockwork, you'd hear, "You kids today don't know what real music is"? I remember, and I think it has taken me until now to understand what they meant by that. I grew up in a house with southern, older parents; so I got the chance to hear some of the the music they grew up listening to. Johnnie Taylor, Isaac Hayes, Teddy P., The O'Jays, The Temptations, James Brown, and Luther just to name a few. I won't say I was particularly fond of any of this when I was younger. Actually, I hated it. I was spoiled, so I mostly hated the fact that I didn't get the chance to play my music through the big speakers. Back then "Old School" wasn't what I was into. But it's funny how things change. See, today, I'm riding around in the car listening to the same 5 songs over and over again, that didn't gain any more substance than when I heard them on the previous station. When I got home for summer vacation a few weeks back, I hadn't listened to the radio much at all. But in the short time I've been back, I've already realize, apparently, "what's hot." With rap, I think we've seen this coming for some time now. Things have become to text book, and gimmicky, that authentic hip-hop has fallen by the wayside. Well now, it would seem that R&B is suffering that same fate. I can't speak for other genres, as I don't keep as close of an ear on those as I do these two. But what I can say is, if you turn off the radio, you may hear something you didn't know you were missing.
I truly have an urge to open my mind, and let in everything that could be potentially beneficial. The message in certain music, and the stories told by certain artist can sometimes get you through the most difficult trials, to the happiest times. That's part of the beauty in music. Everyone can hear it, but not everyone will take away the same things from it. If it were in my cards, I would love to do music. Not just for the money or the fame, but for the beauty to telling a story in a way that touches not only the ears, but the soul. So as I listen to my radio, I wonder how many of these songs even come close to that? To do that, you have to go beyond talent, and search for the gift. It is a gift to be able to produce something that gets a reaction out of people. To make someone dance, cry, sing-a-long, and even feel better is a gift that very few truly have. I appreciate those who use their gifts for the right reasons.
On any given day, you can find me listening to some "unconventional" music. By that I mean it's not what you would expect someone my age to listen to. It's either before my time, or outside of the two aforementioned genres. But that's what I like. If you know me, you know that if there is any way to go against the general population, I'm all for it (please do not take that as literal as it sounds). So, when you hear me listening to Isaac Hayes - Walk on By, or the O'Jays - Cry Together, you may think I'm going through something but in actuality I'm not (not every time you hear it at least). I simply enjoy the artistry and message that they provide. The soul and the feeling they invest into the song. That is what I feel separates the music of yesterday from the music of today. Singers, rappers, "artists" don't own their songs. I don't means the rights, or anything, I mean when they sing it, they don't own it. There is little to no emotion, with little to know deeper meaning. A lot of it seems superficial. When you listen to Teddy Pendergrass, YOU KNOW its Teddy Pendergrass. Or Al Green, or Marvin Gaye, or Luther Vandross. They owned their songs. Took what was written and made it their own. They set the bar for other artist of the time and I think that maybe why you had so many different sounds back then. So many different legends putting in work at once, because the healthy competition drove them to do so. Now, the competition isn't as healthy in my opinion. If one person does something, the next person feels they must at least match that to sale. It's all about record sales, and because it has come to that, the cruel irony is that sales have dropped. I think a few people still understand this, so they bring more to the table than recitation of written lyrics.
I don't want to brag and boast about who I listen to, and why they're better than anyone else in particular. But, I will highlight reasons on why I feel they are worth mentioning. Since I'm a gentleman, I'll start with ladies first. I think Jazmine Sullivan. I listened to her album and really enjoyed it. It was creative. She didn't just "sing" on every song, she added herself to them. I believe she also wrote a lot of the material on her album, and I can always respect that. Other female artist worth mentioning I believe is Floetry (even though they've broken up), I heard Jill Scott was very good, and Jennifer Hudson can sing as well (even though she annoys me). In regards to men, I'm reluctant to take a lot of people serious these days. I mean, just think about the common blueprint for R&B lately, and it seems pretty obvious that record execs have a chart in an office somewhere and check-off everything needed for a decent song. But me personally, I'm a fan of Ne-Yo, Raheem DeVaughn, Dwele, Joe, Day 26 and even T-Pain. I think what many people misattribute to T-Pain is that somehow or another he caused the death on R&B and I don't believe that's true. It's not his fault that his popularity and momentum sold records for himself as well as others. It was those who felt they needed a niche who decided to follow the pattern closer and closer. T-Pain can sing, but decided to edit his voice to give a different sound. I guess it was "monkey-see, monkey-do" for everyone else. So, I don't blame T-Pain, and actually like his music. I'm pretty sure I'll catch a lot of flack for Day 26. I mean, we all watched the show, but who honestly takes everything they see on tv for face value? Even so, regardless of what they do outside of the studio, as long as they put 100% inside the booth, I can't be mad. I loved both of their cds, and have them on constant rotation. Dudes can sing, all 5 of them. That's rare. It's not like two can, with the rest as backup singers. Naw, all 5 can be lead singers on any song. I'll bump both cds out loud in front of anyone who would tell me different. Joe recently hasn't been nearly as good as he was in the past. All That I Am is one of my favorite cds. He's a writer and can sing with th best of them. Raheem Devaughn and Dwele are both very underrated to me. I won't compare to the two, as they are very different artist; but I believe each one of them have uncharted talent that's also underappreciated. If R&B needed generals to lead the charge to find its soul, I would call on these two in a heartbeat. Ne-Yo has been a favorite of mine since his first album. Since then, he's just been getting better. Singer, songwriter, and has credit for writting some of your favorite singers' songs. I really respect dude for sticking with what brought him to the dance.
With that short list, it doesn't nearly describe everyone or everything that stands out about today's music. We all have that occassional stupid song we like that we have to defend to others. But I'm saying that as much as the music scene has changed for the worst, it also has change for the better over the horizon. Even Hip-Hop. Drake's album will be cold, Eminem just dropped a new album, Young Jeezy's and Jadakiss' albums were great, Busta Rhymes is on his way with another. Kanye is still pumping out hits and trying new things, plus Jay-Z and 50 cent have at least two more on the way I believe. So, it's not all bad. I look forward to turning on the radio again and hearing song that actually should be on there, with enough material whereas I won't have to hear the same song twice while in the car. We can dream, can't we?
Until next time, don't be a failure . . . stay creative.
There were so many things I wanted to sit down a talk about with you, but at first it was the time constraint and now it's the feeling. This nagging feeling that won't allow to sit down and focus hard enough on what I want to say. No good conversation happening to stimulate my most complex thoughts, and no alone time to meditate on anything intriguing. It seems as though I've finally come to appreciate the simple solace a single dorm room can offer. Being at home is all a drag just because of where I am, it's my attitude towards it all. Like, I enjoy seeing my parents, playing the dependent role every now and then, and seeing the family on a regular basis; that's all good. I have a problem, and this problem remains consistent in nearly every aspect of my life and that problem is that I am a perfectionist. Perfectionism, in my case, is not the thrive for perfection, but the unwillingness to accept anything less. And as you may think, it is potentially a very dangerous mindset to have. Imagine my ordeal; never satisfied with my work, always having to settle on that which I can't make any better, and pretty much finding the flaws in nearly any circumstance. Don't get me wrong, some good has come out of it. I feel like I don't take as many unnecessary risk as I'm always thinking about the worse case scenario, and ways to make it the best. I'm able to read people (to a certain degree) to better understand what to say and what not say as to make the conversation/interaction as good as possible. But, it is when this is taken too far, that the danger occurs. In my case, I'm so cynical about people and their motives, that I choose not to spend much of time around anyone. I plan ahead for events so tough, that when I can't account for enough of it, I just end up not going. So claim that I miss out, but I don't feel that I miss any of it, since I've never experienced it much. My perfectionist ways are not new, but maybe I just have more surrounding me lately that brings on that anxiety.
Finals week was tough, I truly hope everyone did well and all their stress was worth it. My stress seems to have just begun again. I took my break the day after my last final, but since then packing/unpacking, moving, getting lost, and back spasms. I would guess the spasms are perhaps a result of the moving, but either way, they add to the dynamic of the situation. The reason I'm still up in these early hours of the morning are not because I'm not tired, but because I'm uncomfortable. I've spent an hour or so trying to put together my TV stand. A piece of junk in that is useless if even one item among its content is broken or lost. No extras. But, this being me, one piece did break. So I had to deal with super glue, tape, fire (don't ask) all which inevitably failed. So now, though it looks as though nothing is wrong, I know. And the fact that I know will continually haunt me as I use it. Eventually, I'll buy another one, but for now, I have to deal. And to a perfectionist, to simply deal is hell. My hell doesn't end with the TV stand. There are boxes, and suitcases, and clothes all over the place, with nowhere to me to put anything. Without going on a rant, allow to me to make this long story short; Because of the anxiety that accompanies the perfectionism, not only can I not do anything about the huge mess I've caused by moving back home, I can't even sit down comfortably to think about what could be done to alleviate it.
Like I've said earlier, this way of thinking stretches nearly to ever facet of my life. The way I get my hair cut, the places I go (as finding new places require following directions that I can't fully trust), even to the music I listen. I've been so frustrated riding around since I've been home because of how irritating the music on the radio is today. I don't know whether it's just because I'm getting older, or because the quality of music has significantly gone down (I guess both would be true technically), but I'm just lost on how certain songs made it from the studio to our stereos. I feel like this needs further examination, and I will talk about it later on, but the point is I cannot listen to music just because everyone else likes it as I hear too many flaws within it. Lyrical syllables aren't sensible, and often time illogical. I'll just shake my head at it for now.
I've written papers that I can never read again, edited photographs that I nit-pick at every time I see them, and can't even take notes because I'm too cautious of making a mistake, causing a scratch-out (white-out sucks too, but I'd use it over scratching something out). Everything is tied to this idea that I can be less than perfect. I've been in too many conversations about too many people and I fear what people have to say about me when I'm not in the room. My goal is to cover every area as to give them nothing to say. But the ultimate fallacy with perfectionism is that nothing is perfect. Nothing can be perfect, so therefore my goals are lessened. My dreams face the possibility of never being fulfilled due to being unsatisfied with all that I do. So in my mind, no matter what I overcome, what I achieve, what I do, it will simply leave me with content feelings. If I were a wiser man I'd say that the acceptance of my condition, and the ability to fight through it all while making myself the best that I can be is the perfect story, and the best way I can live. The perfect result. Perfection isn't everything, failure can be. Don't be a failure.
This is a question I ask myself, along with "Why pray at all?" I'm not at all against prayer, it's just that I have a lot of questions for which many don't have answers. I pray from time to time, but I always garner a sense of guilt afterwards. Whether I've prayed for some things I need, some things I can't handle, or for some people who I feel need it more. Either way, I'm always asking for something. I feel like I can only speak with the Lord when I'm in need of something, then I don't deserve that privilege. I know what you're thinking, I'm taking this too far. And you're probably right, but it's just the type of person that I am. If I don't talk with you on a regular basis, then I wouldn't come out of nowhere asking you for favors either. I hate when people who wouldn't take time out of there day to even wave at me, come to me when they need something. That's two-faced. And in my quest to be a better person, I try to put off on behaviors that contradict that.
Now, I'm not saying the Lord isn't a part of my life. I credit Him for everything, and I'm thankful for all that I've been given. But, there are times where I wonder if I should get down on my knees and ask for more, or take what I'm going through as just a part of life, and go on about my business. In my way of thinking, I see that whether I pray or not, my trials will come, and my trials will go. I will have good times, and I will have bad times. Things will ultimately happen in my life that I have no control of either way. I guess, that means I believe in destiny or something. No matter how much I wish that "destiny" was only in my control, I can't help but think about if that were true. Think about living a life where your happiness and progress depended solely on what you do . . . the pressure of that is almost overwhelming. With so much natural negativity available, it would be too easy to ruin your life from a few bad thoughts, and a driving force behind them. So, logically, I wouldn't honestly want to hold my own life in my hands alone. But, on the flip-side, I don't like the fact that trouble comes without me asking for it. You wake up in the morning, after a good night, and now everything is different. Your life isn't the way you left it, and now you welcome this turmoil you did not see coming. That too, is not something I'm particularly excited about.
So I'm sure you're wondering where I'm going with this; what exactly am I trying to say here? And the answer then, is that I honestly don't know. I don't know why to pray or why I shouldn't pray. A lot of people feel more comfortable praying, and others just aren't bothered with it. What makes this more difficult is the people who's opinion you ask about it. And in my quest to get those answers, I have encountered one of a number of different personas. There are those who live their lives without bounds, do whatever they want to do, say whatever they want to say without conviction, but who will completely contradict it all and tell you how wrong you are for not praying. They will talk about how good God is all day, in a seemingly arrogant manner. Almost saying that God looked our for them, "nah-nany-nah-nah!" That really angers me, because you see these people and wouldn't believe some of the things they say and the things they do, yet here they are telling me that I should pray . . . like them. They talk down to me because they "get it" and I don't. That tone that they're taking time to do me a favor and teach me a lesson on what's right and what's wrong. In the end, I'd rather take my chances on my own than to ever be told by seemingly bad people how off I am. Then, there are those who really don't have time for you if you're not all about God. He's all they talk about (don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with that). But, they act like they've never gone through anything, and have never made mistakes. Claiming that God kept them away from all that. He only talks to them, and if we don't listen to what they have to say, if we don't follow their lead, then we're hellbound. I wonder how bible scholars can be so judgmental? I mean, doesn't it say right in the bible that only God can judge us? My bible may be somewhat rusty, but I do believe it says that in some form or fashion. But, being the scholars that they are, they can put a spin on their actions, and it's words, to make themselves look all the better. These people, too, look down on me for asking the question, wondering how they became friends with such a demon as myself. I call these people "Super Christians". They are too good to be put in the same category as regular Christians, they're getting to heaven twice as fast as the rest of us (so they think) and they don't have to say "In Jesus' name" to end their prayers, because they can talk directly to God (at least in their minds they can). So, with the Contradicter and the Super Christians, it somewhat seems like I got the same answer, just at different polarities.
Who do you go to? Who's like me, and understands that things have changed since the bible was written, yet still has the faith to believe that God had a plan for me all along? Who else believe that Jesus died for his sins, and feels that religion is sometimes used as another way of discrimination and bigotry? I don't have that answer, but I will keep my beliefs. Giving up on my beliefs would take away from the little security I do have, but would ease my mind of certain worries that continue to linger. Either way, I feel the answer will reveal itself to me when the time is right, as every other time I've needed an answer. So, don't be a failure, why not pray?
So, I've painted myself into a corner it would seem. I don't mind, I've been here before. I've been down before, and always seem to come out better than I go in. But, no matter how often things like this happen, I never get used to it. I actually think if I do become accustomed to it, the pressure will only elevate; putting me in a situation I may not be able to handle. Despite that, the people around me don't seem to be going with me like they should. I mean, I never had a clique, or a group of friends or family that go 100% for me like I would for them, so that doesn't bother me. But the simple act of getting along with these individuals has become an issue; so that's where my voice must be heard. Whether they hear it, or no one does, at least I can say it was said. I mean, true friends care about the well-being of others right? So if anyone wanted to know what's going on with Jeron, then they should go look to who Jeron talks to; his readers. See, I don't think you understand how appreciative I am to say "my readers". That touches my heart so much, because whether you agree with me or disagree with me, you care what I have to say. There's an unspoken respect that goes along with letting someone know that you enjoyed what they had to say. So, I thank you for that. That's a bright spot for my ordinarily dark dwelling.
So, before you think I'm in some dark place in life, where we dress in all black, I wear jewelry in places that makes no sense, and cut myself because I think blood is cool, I'm not. What I'm saying is that there are not a lot of reasons to smile for me. And that's not anything new, it's just something that I've learned to deal with over time. Still learning, as a matter of fact. So when patterns begin to form, I can pretty much tell where they're going. Like now, I feel that eventually, I will end up with people who for some reason or another, will no longer consider me a "friend". That's okay. I mean, I never had that many, and the only true ones I can count on one hand. I say that so much, that it may be taken as a cliche', but it's so true. I prefer to be by myself anyway. Not necessarily sitting in my room alone all the time, but that companionship that people have with one another, I don't mind not having. See, I'm a middle child. I mean, I'm the baby, but shortly after I was born, my nephew was born. So I bridge the gap between those two generations. My cousins all grew up elsewhere. I was on one side of town, and they all were on another. With that being said, I've never been in the position where I had that "bestfriend" or constant companionship where I never felt alone. That never occurred for me, so it's not like I can miss something I've never had. Understand?
As I look around, I wonder where the humility went? You can't give people compliments, reach out to them, talk with them, without them giving you some attitude like it's a favor for you to talk with them. Do they not realize who I am?! I've been being humble, swallowing my pride a lot because I do not want to be the person who's bigger than he really is. I don't allow my ego to get so far out of control that I can no longer control myself. But, I feel that my silence on that front has been mistaken for something else. Perhaps a feel of Jeron has "accepted" his "status", or he's gone soft, so what he says and who he is no longer matters. He's going to be whoever we want him to be, even when we don't want him to be (think about that). That's not the case. I am Jeron M. Burbridge, born and raised by southern parents in Detroit, MI with 8 (one deceased) other siblings. I am all that God allows me to be and everyday I plan on honoring Him by being myself no matter what. In my belief, and my faith, I understand that there are better things for me, even if I may be the best. I can only go higher because of who I was and where I could have been is evidence. In philosophy, there is an argument which says that because the Sun rose yesterday, does not mean it'll rise tomorrow. And that's true. But, my faith wills me to believe that not only will I wake up tomorrow, something will happen that causes me to grow as a better person. So I think that the central problem is that if you are not willing to accept Jeron as who he is, then you are the one that is expendable, not him. You may take your leave.
In my mind, I feel like no one is there for me. Not speaking about family, they're there regardless. But I feel that my trust cannot spread amongst those who only consider themselves friends, while not actually showing that. My associates may talk behind my back, say whatever they need to say. Those close to me may not understand me at all, and that's fine with me. I don't like giving so much of myself to someone where I no longer know who I am. I've done that before, and it's an ugly situation when know one can identify the empty shell of a person who no longer has any character. That, my friends, is what failure looks like. Don't be a failure. If worse comes to worse, it is no problem at all for me to walk away from each and every person that knows my name, and live on peacefully.
As I look outside this evening, I'd say the best part is watching the rain fall, the lightning in the distance, and laughing internally at those who come in unprepared. Soaked and wet, they search for their IDs trying to avoid it any further, but it's too late. Attitudes, I'm sure they have, but to me, it's entertaining. Guess some people don't plan ahead. Sometimes, believe it or not, the weather man is right. My only concern is my car and hoping that the leakage isn't too bad. I'll prepare myself for the worse anyway. See, I have an off-track moon roof, and the last time it rained this bad, I felt it as I was driving. Guess I'll cross that bridge when I get to it, since I have other things on my mind at the moment.
In watching this distant storm, sitting at this desk half sleep, as the people greet me, I feel a sense of disappointment kick in. Disappointment for where I am and how I let things get to this point. Never in my life to I wish to be someone else other than the person I dream of becoming. So on this date, I come to the realization that I am just not that person yet. See, I don't choose to be a sourpuss. I don't enjoy rejecting invitations, and staying in every night, but this is what I feel I must do. For safety concerns, monetary responsibility, and pure awkwardness around people with whom I have nothing in common. An accidental outcast. In my quest to find my own identity, I seem to have forgotten that other people must identify you as well. Never the one to be a people pleaser, or give value to society's thoughts, I shunned anything not having to do with family and close friends. Now, I have no close friends. My family is about 90 miles away and any friendships are strained by my inactivity. I think about where this comes from. As a child, I never enjoyed the social scene. Being the first ones to leave any engagement became the norm, as anxiety would kick in, and I'd lose all cool. As I grow older, some things die hard. Instead of crawling into the fetal position in a chair in the corner, I simply stay put, leave early, refuse to eat, and blend in like the paint. It's never been anything that bothered me until tonight. Somehow this must all be tied to what I'm thinking about, because it's so fresh and so present right now.
When asked if I'm attending this party or that party; if I'm going to this club or that club; if I'm attending this event or that event; if the answer isn't simply "no" then it must be "I didn't hear about it." Some of the top social events on campus have gone unnoticed by me because of my stubborn attitude and this hole I've seemed to bury myself in. The thunder roars in the background; I must be on to something. As I sit here with the bright blue shirt on, the cutest of females converse with me on my night and my plans. With a smile and some eye contact to show a bit of strength, I turn the conversation on them, in hopes of showing them just how interesting they are (or not, doesn't matter). I realize I have nothing to offer the conversation, as I'm confined to this desk. The swipe of their IDs, goodnight wishes, and they're off to talk to anyone else more interesting, and our moment is forgotten. Not a moment of flirtation, but an encounter of two different worlds. The extrovert brightens up the gloomy day of the introvert. The popular takes the time to talk to the unpopular. I feel if I were not trapped behind this desk, if our social niceties were exchanged in a different setting, perhaps I would leave a lasting impression. Popularity is not what I seek, it's recognition. For no matter how much of an individual we are, no matter what standards we hold for ourselves, no matter if we care or not what others think about us and how they view us; what seems to reign true at all costs is that it is lonely when no one knows you're there. I'm not one to crave any spotlight accept that which I create for myself. But what point is a spotlight, if there's no one there to see you?
As the rain pours, I wish I could run out and soak it all in like a sponge. A metaphor for what God chooses to rinse away from me, and what He chooses to provide for me. What a beautiful idea that it's that simple. That for 20 years of being who I am, I could walk out and suddenly be cleansed of that which holds me back, and finally given that which propels me forward. Where I wouldn't be subject to a public service, but a public benefit. Where my name is synonymous with everything I'd hope it would be. When I look in the mirror, the pride I feel for becoming all that which I've been called to be. Looking at those around me, and only giving them that part of myself they need to hold their appreciation. As I began, I believed that I wanted to be popular, to be known, to stand out from the crowd with a presence about myself that others miss when it's gone. But now, I look at what I've said here, on this night, and appreciate the knowledge to understand the cards I've been dealt. My day will come when those who's favor I seek shall be reversed, and they seek my favor. The day I will be most proud of is upon us, and as the rain pours I am encouraged to retrieve what is rightfully and justly mine. Too bad I'm stuck behind this desk.
Deep right? Let me explain, I got to work today late, because I was about to oversleep. Often times, when I'm sleepy or tired, I seem to dive into this feeling of anger and sadness. Pretty much, I just feel like a big baby. So, I felt like tonight I should use that to my advantage. Indeed, it is raining, and I was asked about certain events that I hadn't planned on attending. And as the person turned to walk away, I felt bad, because I never really have anything interesting to say. I hate being that gloomy person who always bring down everyone else. So that got me thinking. As I started, I wanted to go in a different direction, but as I continued, one thing lead to another and here we are. I hope that the deeper meaning of what I said here is taken, and not the way in which it was written. If you know me, you know that I don't seek "acceptance" or thrive for popularity. Simply stated, I want to be comfortable enough with who I am to do whatever it is I want to do. And as I express that to others, they see that, and appreciate me all the more for it. Sitting behind this desk is not where I want to be. I want to be financially fortunate and have the ability to expand my horizons in hopes of seeing things I've never seen before and doing things I've never done before. While occasionally, enjoying the simple things a person my age should enjoy at this stage in life. And sometimes, that's just not possible. And that, my friends, is what I want to change. So, are we all cool now? Cool. Don't be a failure, the rain is good for you. Goodnight.
Literally, I've been sitting here for a week or so trying to figure out what to talk about. What to tell my readers after missing in action since before Springbreak. I mean, I could have blogged about how fun Springbreak was. The weather in Florida, the waterpark, and all the cartoon characters I hung out with. Then I thought, no, maybe that would be rubbing it in the face of people who didn't do anything. I was going to talk about how I've been feeling lately. All the thoughts, the weird dreams, the rough transition back to being a student. That got nixed because this isn't a journal. I want to give you something worth reading, not some "whoa-is-me" look at my life. I wrote down some ideas for topics, about money, about giving your all, things like that. But, I felt like I was forcing it. This isn't a homework assignment. This is my outlet, my practice, my craft, and my readers. All owed more than my lackadaisical attitude lately. So, what should I do? I look around, I wait for an answer, and in the silence I realize that I should just write. It doesn't matter about what. If I start something, it will get finished somehow. Where we end up is not always where we planned when we started. But I'm sure that if I reach a conclusion, I reached it for a reason. What I'm here to tell you all is to not be your own worst enemy.
I'm a perfectionist. At least I try to be. I don't want to give anyone the chance to bad mouth anything that I have going on. I leave room for no one to point out the flaws in my disposition. I walk with a purpose, I write for a reason, and I am who I am because who I was yesterday wasn't good enough to get me to my dreams. While I feel that's a good attitude to have, overcontrol is not only a bad thing, it's virtually impossible. See, I feel like I should be in control of every situation. If I walk out the door, I should get across the street a certain way, sit in a certain seat in class, come back home at a certain time, procrastinate, eat, and head back out the door at a certain time. When I get to class, I should wait for my professor to talk for a few minutes, other people will raise their hands, and they will have a decent conversation. When they want to hear from someone else, I will raise my hand, say what I have to say, and I'm done for the day. So, if throughout the course of that plan, something is thrown off, I'm thrown off. I can't have that. I need to know how to handle when things don't go the way I expect them to. Besides that, 9 times out of 10, things aren't going to go the way I want to anyway. So while over control is impossible, the closer I get to it is inevitable my own downfall. In trying to control everything, I leave no room for the randoms, and sudden occurrences that make life worth living. I can't try new things, see new sights, and enjoy new pleasures because things may be a bit too structured. I've learned that you'll never learn how to get around unless you get lost.
With that, my writings have suffered with constant over thinking and perfection. I have nothing to write about because there is nothing going on. I'm so concerned with the future that I can't be concerned with right now. I want to be better, without getting better. I'm so worried about what publicists and readers will think that I haven't focused on what I think. I'm one of the most detailed people you will ever meet, yet even I should appreciate the subtlety of watching things develop.
In figuring out who I am and what I want in this life, I must start with the question, and answer it accordingly. I encourage everyone to do the same. Because forgetting who you are and why will only lead to . . . you guessed it . . . failure.
Don't be one, write something down.
Again, never the smut pusher or gossip guru, I don't really too much care and I'm not really too much affected by what celebrities have done, are doing, or will do. However, I felt that with the nature of the last Question of the Day response, readers who hadn't already heard, should hear the news. Today (or at least I've seen it only today) the official police report was released concerning the issue of Rihanna and Chris Brown. Reading the report, I was uneasy. I felt empathy for her and just couldn't imagine how terrifying the whole ordeal had to be. Personally, I could go on some rant right now about how I feel about said victimizer, but I feel like that, indeed, would be smut peddling since it's not about personal feelings of the messenger, but of the victim. A few excerpts from the report states that, "Brown was driving a vehicle with Robyn F. as the front passenger on an unknown street in Los Angeles. Robyn F. picked up Brown's cellular phone and observed a three-page text message from a woman who Brown had a previous sexual relationship with.
A verbal argument ensued and Brown pulled the vehicle over on an unknown street, reached over Robyn F. with his right hand, opened the car door and attempted to force her out. Brown was unable to force Robyn F. out of the vehicle because she was wearing a seat belt. When he could not force her to exit, he took his right hand and shoved her head against he passenger window of the vehicle, causing an approximate one-inch raised circular contusion."
As the article continues, it goes on to mention the felonious threats and further beatings that Brown gave to Rihanna. Like I said, my heart goes out to her for having to go through such a potentially traumatic situation. Growing up, I only had to witness domestic violence, but thankfully those involved survived and were able to move on before any permanent, serious damage was done. I pray that any out there having to deal with this or any other type of abuse can safely and effectively find a way out. Click here to view full article. I hope somehow this whole situation can be a tool to help or teach someone who needs it a valuable lesson. So until next time, this has been you very rare update. Unlike Brown, you shouldn't be a failure.
This has really been on my mind lately, and it has taken me some time to come up with what I want to say, and how I would want to say it. I've never been one to care much about celebrity gossip, and before you think I'm going there, think again. Yes, we have all heard the story, different variations and rumors, about two popular, young, talented celebrities intertwined in a domestic abuse situation. My focus initially was the pain I felt for the young woman, the presumed victim, in the situation. I admit, I am also wrong in the way I go about things. But that is my human nature. It was only naturally for me to feel like she was the victim and he was the villain. The mistake is taking sides in a situation in which all the facts are not present. A friend told me that there are always 3 sides to every story: that's her side, his side, and the truth. I don't know the truth, and really don't know either of their sides. My point here today is to give you my side, which is the bigger, broader issue that has arisen here. With that, my question is simply: When is it okay to put your hands violently on a woman?
The short answer (from this Gentleman's perspective of course) is no. It is never alright, acceptable, okay, or even approved to put your hands on the fairer sex. As a gentleman, I can say that, and get cheers and nods of approval from all my female readers. And I wish it were how things really were, but its not. As my male readers are well aware of, some women are begging to be put in their place. There is no way around it. Some women out there are all about causing trouble and are willing to go there with a man just to get that rise out of him. I don't know why, and don't clearly understand how a woman cannot see the signs of how manipulative she's being. How can you go so far as to put your life in danger just because you want your loud and obnoxious point made? You all know, I am a huge fan of The Maury Show. And on most episodes there is a woman on there who claims that the father of her child just might not be the father or her child. And most of the time, that is because she cheated on him. On the flip side, there is always a guy on there who wants to do the right thing and take care of his kids, but a woman who wants to prove that her baby is not his. The strength it takes that man not to level that woman to her knees is beyond me. The point is, there are situations where a woman is asking to be hit, but should we do it? Yes we want to, and we want to see it happen. But no, we cannot.
I always hate hearing those stories about how controlling a man is or needs to be where his lady is not allowed to do or say certain things without his approval. Any mistake, any act of independence on her part angers him, and the only way to restore order to his now "out of control" home is to beat her. In this case, there is nothing at all funny. And my heart goes out to any woman who is abused at any time. I can barely even imagine what it would be like to have someone over me at all times and even the most minor mistakes on my part are punished by punches and kicks . . . if not worse. Imagine always having to explain to family and friends why bruises occur so frequently. Imagine how the children feel having to watch as the person they love the most succumbs to an unjust "punishment" for her actions. What type of affect could that have on their psyche? What if they feel that's the way all women should be treated? I'm here to say that it is not. No one deserves to be treated like a misbehaved animal.
You have to understand, that those women discussed earlier who "have it coming" are not ladies anyway. A real lady knows how to act like a lady and any problems she has she knows how to get her point across. Remember. Any man that puts his hand on a woman to prove his point or restore order in his family is not a real man at all. Real men have an earned respect of being the head of their household where they don't need to prove their dominance through violence. These, for lack of a better word, men are simply cowards. Cowards who are afraid to let their women be themselves because if that was the case, these ladies would realize how much better they could really do.
My conclusion, without taking a side in the celebrity situation, is that at no point should a woman have violent hands placed upon her. In that particular situation, I think we all fall victim to the physical attractiveness stereotype. That is, the belief that attractive individuals possess socially desirable personality traits and lead happier lives than you and I. As we can see, that is not the case. Each side taken falls prey to the belief in that stereotype. People would believe the male involved is innocent (and the female had it coming) because of how much they like him. That would have to be due to his looks because I'm sure most people have not gotten to know him on a personal level. I fall into this category because of the attractiveness of the female involved. To me, I see her as a victim and this attack was unprovoked (or at least not worth her abuse) because I feel she is a better person, though I don't know her personally. Plus, I was wrong in choosing a side without hearing all the facts (still, I won't look at the picture of the result of her abuse and still will not listen to his music or acknowledge his existence). We are human, and emotions run wild for different reasons in different situations. Not everyone can be in control all the time. And for that, I apologize.
I hope what I've said here today finds you well. I tried not to pump anymore gossip into your brains. I'm not a smut pusher, but I felt there was a more important message that needed to be addressed. At their young age, they should not even be at a point in any relationship where violence is involved. We're too young to have to deal with that. And in any relationship, if their is violence then there is obviously an underlying problem that needs to be taken care of. That problem may simply be that the the two of you do not need to be together. And one of you needs professional help. It is not okay to hit a woman, and it is not okay to purposely provoke a man. That is my take on it. Maybe now we can pray in the right way and help bring an end to a sad saga. So, don't be a failure, just walk away.
